Why the heck am i here? in general and in specific? The age old questions haunt me. I have no purpose. NONE.
Why do women who are unattractive by all worldly standards get married? What is wrong with me that men seem to run away from me like the plague?
Why doesn't God just take me now? Seriously. I've prayed and asked for that. Right now would be a perfect time, in fact. I am presently staying with a family of three who are caring enough to dispose of my body properly and would probably take care of my dog as well. I have nothing to live for. Why am I being kept around?
Why am I forced to listen day-in and day-out to stories by teenagers of their success and relationships when I at least a full decade older am single, unsuccessful and purposeless?
I am so sick of life. Please, please God...I don't want to live anymore. I am at the one place on earth that I thought would be lining up with my destiny and it is just more daggers in my heart. More pain. I am at Bethel and guess what...no one here sees me. No one believes in me. No one.
I am so tired of waiting for something to happen. Truth is...it never will. I have no children. I have no spouse. I have no home. My life is worthless and meaningless. I hope tonight is my last night on earth. Please.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
.018
Just took that pic 30 seconds ago. we are okay to proceed.
i removed the painting from the kitchen and put it in the music corner now. so here we are. ready to do it up.
got back from Redding Monday the 23rd. I left on the 18th. Best weekend ever. I hope I have more.
Anyhoo...this is Kristin writing to say she still loves someone. But love redefined. Love doesn't mean the things I was giving into. Love looks different than I expected. I still love...I just can't continue to give out without receiving anything in return. So I await a hot chase, a crazy pursuit. I want a good story. Doesn't mean I don't love...I really do...I just can't talk to him until he can give me what I need. And if he doesn't...time will help me move on. But for now...my feelings aren't changing. I don't know what that is...but anyhoo...a lot shifted in me this weekend and I am happier for it.
I passed my motorcycle test today. I now have a motorcycle license. Who would have ever thought that? I actually have no clue how to drive a motorcycle but that's okay...haha. I was able to help some guy pass his test which he had taken several times. He was on a 650 and couldn't pass it on that thing. So I let him ride my bike. He passed like a breeze. The guy who was monitoring wasn't even watching once he got on my Vespa. hilarious. I guess he knew if he could almost pass on a 650 a 150 would be a breeze and it was for him. I was shaking and barely inside the lines. haaha.
Well...God is good and today is a great day. I am still praying for breakthrough and waiting on his promises but things have shifted so much inside of me that I know it is not far off. He's so good. How can life not be amazing!??!
Sunday, March 8, 2009
.017
...which reminds me...i am planning for leaving for San Francisco/ Redding on the 17th. I don't know what I will find there. All i know is I feel the pull. I hope it grows stronger and I get some confirmation.
Hair done.
Headshots done.
Things are happening at warp speed.
Amen.
(oh and that photo is just a fun one...it was not even included in the finals.)
Friday, March 6, 2009
.0167
Okay one more post tonight. goll i'm wordy.
okay i'm fairly sure the bachelor just totally lied and tricked us into believing all that "hi i'm jason mesnick and i've changed my mind suddenly" crap.
but let's say he really did and it wasn't in his contract to have to do that to one of the girls.
maybe the break from molly really helped him and her discover that those feelings aren't going away.
okay so i've been here before with this one. the guy that is. the longest we've not talked at all is 13 days. and i was miserable. MISERABLE. it's not like we're talking now at all. so however long it goes, i guess it'll be good. it'll be good to see where God takes me. and where God takes him. and if those people are still compatible or more compatible or whatnot.
but this time it's different. we're both blind now. we don't have that stupid social networking thing to keep us in contact and keep us pseudo involved in each other's lives. there is no clever way of coming back into his life or he into mine. it'll have to be intentional.
that's all.
okay i'm fairly sure the bachelor just totally lied and tricked us into believing all that "hi i'm jason mesnick and i've changed my mind suddenly" crap.
but let's say he really did and it wasn't in his contract to have to do that to one of the girls.
maybe the break from molly really helped him and her discover that those feelings aren't going away.
okay so i've been here before with this one. the guy that is. the longest we've not talked at all is 13 days. and i was miserable. MISERABLE. it's not like we're talking now at all. so however long it goes, i guess it'll be good. it'll be good to see where God takes me. and where God takes him. and if those people are still compatible or more compatible or whatnot.
but this time it's different. we're both blind now. we don't have that stupid social networking thing to keep us in contact and keep us pseudo involved in each other's lives. there is no clever way of coming back into his life or he into mine. it'll have to be intentional.
that's all.
.0161
I also wanted to say these things:
I'm good at googling. I can find ancient articles and pictures and blogs of other people. I wonder if anyone can find mine?
I enjoyed Jason Reeves on Sunday. I enjoyed drinking too much. I enjoyed the punishment of drinking too much for five hours on Monday morning. Yes, that is sadistic. And yes, I was punishing myself probably. But it did feel good to let go and cuddle with some friends on the couch at Sainte Rock. And was really blessed to have all my expenses paid.
I enjoyed Tuesday night at church. I didn't even feel condemnation about my overindulgence in alcohol. That's amazing. Even when my friend Joel said he wished I had reached out to him or Aileen for prayer, I didn't feel condemnation. That's great. Goodbye condemnation! I am so done with you.
Tuesday night was amazing. Especially the part where I started manifesting at the end of the service. Yodi was giving a testimony and she said, "You've got to close the door behind you so the one in front of you can open." Hence begins my third stint of birth pains I've had in my lifetime. My stomach tightened down and the only thing I wanted to do was get on the floor, spread my legs and push. Weirdest thing ever. But due to my pride and fear of man, I just got on my knees cause the pain was too intense to stand and put my head on the stage. THEN Shawn Bolz calls the ministry team into action. I'm not sure I can get up. But I do and I start praying over people. Still having contractions. Caught the eye of Mr. Actor-I'm Also From Nashville-Cutey who was watching me and wanted to shoot myself for dishonoring God in that moment. People were falling all around me. Yodi was covered in sweat and half looked like she was foaming at the mouth. It was pandemonium.
I realise I can no longer minister and I sit down. I see people staring at me like come pray for me, but I couldn't. So Aileen passes by and I grab her and tell her what is happening. Fast forward 30 minutes. We're outside now in the parking lot. Yodi has just prayed over Aileen and I am having contractions still but unwilling to make a fool of myself. I hear Aileen start yelling and praying in tongues. So I go over to her and I crouch down in the same corner and yep, I began. What a site. Seriously. At one point I swore I was going to vomit and I was dry-heaving.
Then I met up with the peeps at Bob's Big Boy. Try being vegan there.
Wednesday is unexpected. Three hours of getting my hair done that I didn't wake up knowing was happening. And also, the deal is that for this $300+ hairdo...I have agreed to let my stylist-for-life live with me. But hey, I have a stylist. Hurry home cause Joel is picking me up for M. Ward. Who is M. Ward? I don't know. But he starts playing and guess what? I start having contractions again. Insane. You think it's about music? (Yeah two guys at expression tuesday told me it was about writing and the 2nd clarified it's about writing music.) then believe it or not, zooey deschanel takes the stage. weird. since it used to be that DAILY people would tell me I look like her.
next interesting thing is there was a guy in front of me who just passed out during the show. like he started falling forward and then falling backward. ok so I was praying in tongues because i was in labor, spiritual labor. then...even weirder yet...pair after pair in front of me turn around and leave during the concert. bizarre.
we went out to Toi Thai after. weird spiritual funk about that place. but amazing food. mmmmmm. still craving more.
can i say what a blessing that meal after meal (bob's and thai) were paid for this week? and not to mention two concerts? that's insanity.
thursday. boring. worked out.
friday. boring. blew money on hair products and whole foods.
and that i had to vent i don't know why. but i know that people are reading this or will read this. and will find that somehow this is significant. if only my future self.
kisses.
I'm good at googling. I can find ancient articles and pictures and blogs of other people. I wonder if anyone can find mine?
I enjoyed Jason Reeves on Sunday. I enjoyed drinking too much. I enjoyed the punishment of drinking too much for five hours on Monday morning. Yes, that is sadistic. And yes, I was punishing myself probably. But it did feel good to let go and cuddle with some friends on the couch at Sainte Rock. And was really blessed to have all my expenses paid.
I enjoyed Tuesday night at church. I didn't even feel condemnation about my overindulgence in alcohol. That's amazing. Even when my friend Joel said he wished I had reached out to him or Aileen for prayer, I didn't feel condemnation. That's great. Goodbye condemnation! I am so done with you.
Tuesday night was amazing. Especially the part where I started manifesting at the end of the service. Yodi was giving a testimony and she said, "You've got to close the door behind you so the one in front of you can open." Hence begins my third stint of birth pains I've had in my lifetime. My stomach tightened down and the only thing I wanted to do was get on the floor, spread my legs and push. Weirdest thing ever. But due to my pride and fear of man, I just got on my knees cause the pain was too intense to stand and put my head on the stage. THEN Shawn Bolz calls the ministry team into action. I'm not sure I can get up. But I do and I start praying over people. Still having contractions. Caught the eye of Mr. Actor-I'm Also From Nashville-Cutey who was watching me and wanted to shoot myself for dishonoring God in that moment. People were falling all around me. Yodi was covered in sweat and half looked like she was foaming at the mouth. It was pandemonium.
I realise I can no longer minister and I sit down. I see people staring at me like come pray for me, but I couldn't. So Aileen passes by and I grab her and tell her what is happening. Fast forward 30 minutes. We're outside now in the parking lot. Yodi has just prayed over Aileen and I am having contractions still but unwilling to make a fool of myself. I hear Aileen start yelling and praying in tongues. So I go over to her and I crouch down in the same corner and yep, I began. What a site. Seriously. At one point I swore I was going to vomit and I was dry-heaving.
Then I met up with the peeps at Bob's Big Boy. Try being vegan there.
Wednesday is unexpected. Three hours of getting my hair done that I didn't wake up knowing was happening. And also, the deal is that for this $300+ hairdo...I have agreed to let my stylist-for-life live with me. But hey, I have a stylist. Hurry home cause Joel is picking me up for M. Ward. Who is M. Ward? I don't know. But he starts playing and guess what? I start having contractions again. Insane. You think it's about music? (Yeah two guys at expression tuesday told me it was about writing and the 2nd clarified it's about writing music.) then believe it or not, zooey deschanel takes the stage. weird. since it used to be that DAILY people would tell me I look like her.
next interesting thing is there was a guy in front of me who just passed out during the show. like he started falling forward and then falling backward. ok so I was praying in tongues because i was in labor, spiritual labor. then...even weirder yet...pair after pair in front of me turn around and leave during the concert. bizarre.
we went out to Toi Thai after. weird spiritual funk about that place. but amazing food. mmmmmm. still craving more.
can i say what a blessing that meal after meal (bob's and thai) were paid for this week? and not to mention two concerts? that's insanity.
thursday. boring. worked out.
friday. boring. blew money on hair products and whole foods.
and that i had to vent i don't know why. but i know that people are reading this or will read this. and will find that somehow this is significant. if only my future self.
kisses.
.016
I'm not sure what is reliable or trustworthy anymore.
This morning I had a mountaintop experience with God. We were sailing in the book of Esther and I could see it all.
A few hours later, I was in borderline near panic mode. That's not panic mode. And it's not near panic mode. It's on the border of the near panic. I felt it welling in my chest. When you've been on the mountain and experienced such joy and freedom, I think you realise all the deception and twisting so much more. So I noticed.
A few hours after that I booked worked for Monday. So the pain subsided a little, about work at least.
A few hours more and I realised I did not book myself union, which I SHOULD have. So...I'm making minimum wage...but still those days are hard because you know others are making more and you could be too. Back to the hole in my chest. I am not working for money anymore so I will not complain. I am thankful for the opportunity to be on set. Really, I am.
And that was just the rundown on the job front. I have hit the floor and pounded it with my fists a couple times today as well out of frustration with God and man. How can I really be frustrated with God? He is perfect. But yes...I am missing someone. And it appears they really don't care because that person has walked out of my life. I mean, I said I was walking out first...he just followed through on it before I had the guts to. And it hurt. It still does. So I've been really upset at odd moments today about that too.
You'd think after 6 months of talking to someone you'd want to just offer an apology (especially after it's been asked for) or try to work things out. 6 months of talking...and I'd say that 4.5 of those months were everyday. How do you just turn that off? I can't. Maybe in time I will. But um, yeah. I miss him. I don't miss the hurtful part (which all just stems from uncertainty and my fears and his fears(?) cause I at least figure he's attracted too). I could do without the hurt, the push/pull and the uncertainty. But I miss the good stuff...the core of who he is. It'll get better soon, I'm sure. Well, I hope.
I've got no money. No job. And I've resolved to no longer work for money, but to only do what I think is right. That's crazy. CRAZY! I am sure I won't be able to get unemployment for the week I just had off...but I'm hoping God comes through HUGE somehow.
Got my hair done. It is very high maintenance now and red/brown and short. I warned Drea that that is EXACTLY why I haven't gone to see anyone in 4 years and then chops it all off. Not happy. I can't figure out how to style it either. It is too hard to do by myself.
I'm hoping money comes in soon. I am running out of food for Maguy. My puppy needs to eat.
So this is me, God's daughter, saying: I still have nothing figured out. I still don't know how to live out my dreams. I don't know how to make progress in ANY area of life. I feel sad about my dad tonight and about the man I've cared for for 6 months. Sigh...night.
This morning I had a mountaintop experience with God. We were sailing in the book of Esther and I could see it all.
A few hours later, I was in borderline near panic mode. That's not panic mode. And it's not near panic mode. It's on the border of the near panic. I felt it welling in my chest. When you've been on the mountain and experienced such joy and freedom, I think you realise all the deception and twisting so much more. So I noticed.
A few hours after that I booked worked for Monday. So the pain subsided a little, about work at least.
A few hours more and I realised I did not book myself union, which I SHOULD have. So...I'm making minimum wage...but still those days are hard because you know others are making more and you could be too. Back to the hole in my chest. I am not working for money anymore so I will not complain. I am thankful for the opportunity to be on set. Really, I am.
And that was just the rundown on the job front. I have hit the floor and pounded it with my fists a couple times today as well out of frustration with God and man. How can I really be frustrated with God? He is perfect. But yes...I am missing someone. And it appears they really don't care because that person has walked out of my life. I mean, I said I was walking out first...he just followed through on it before I had the guts to. And it hurt. It still does. So I've been really upset at odd moments today about that too.
You'd think after 6 months of talking to someone you'd want to just offer an apology (especially after it's been asked for) or try to work things out. 6 months of talking...and I'd say that 4.5 of those months were everyday. How do you just turn that off? I can't. Maybe in time I will. But um, yeah. I miss him. I don't miss the hurtful part (which all just stems from uncertainty and my fears and his fears(?) cause I at least figure he's attracted too). I could do without the hurt, the push/pull and the uncertainty. But I miss the good stuff...the core of who he is. It'll get better soon, I'm sure. Well, I hope.
I've got no money. No job. And I've resolved to no longer work for money, but to only do what I think is right. That's crazy. CRAZY! I am sure I won't be able to get unemployment for the week I just had off...but I'm hoping God comes through HUGE somehow.
Got my hair done. It is very high maintenance now and red/brown and short. I warned Drea that that is EXACTLY why I haven't gone to see anyone in 4 years and then chops it all off. Not happy. I can't figure out how to style it either. It is too hard to do by myself.
I'm hoping money comes in soon. I am running out of food for Maguy. My puppy needs to eat.
So this is me, God's daughter, saying: I still have nothing figured out. I still don't know how to live out my dreams. I don't know how to make progress in ANY area of life. I feel sad about my dad tonight and about the man I've cared for for 6 months. Sigh...night.
Friday, February 20, 2009
.015
Quinze.
I've been begging God to allow me breakthrough in ANY area really. I am a highly focused individual. Highly focused and committed. You show me something and I'm clear about it and I'm all in. I go for it. I'm obsessed until it is done.
Not a good thing when it comes to relationships. Not a good thing.
Also, not a good thing when pretty much anything you were made to do or called to do is dependent on breakthrough and there are walls everywhere in my life. So I am kind of just stuck. Really. I feel imprisoned still. Like I just can't get traction to go anywhere. Left, right, up or down? What the heck am I supposed to be doing with my time? I feel like a caged animal who has gone around the room about a gazillion times and has looked and looked for a way out. I've pressed on every brick in the place. I've knocked for hollow places. I've pulled myself up to peer out the window by the bars and can see the outside. I can see what's waiting me. I just can't get there. I don't know how to get out of this cell.
Rent is due in a week again. It's now $1205.10. What am I doing paying that much if I don't have a job and don't have any sort of ministry or purpose in this town? Honestly. Let's be serious here. Moving is not easy. And I'm realising it gets tougher the older you get. You really do settle into your ways and become a bit complacent about there being any hope left at all out there.
It's way beyond just me scampering about trying to look for a way out, trying to get to my purpose. I don't even feel released. I feel like God is just telling me to wait and be still. I am disgusted that I can't keep my focus on him. That I keep thinking about the future promised me. Why can't I be one of those persons who lives for today? That is the motto I've believed in all my life...and I've never really achieved it. I'm always looking ahead. Looking beyond. I want to enjoy God now. I want to be present with him now. I don't want to think about the things he's shown me will be. But I want to start to enjoy the things that are now...even though there isn't much in this cave/cage with me. He's here. I want so desperately...so so badly to just focus on him and that be enough for me. To seriously not compare myself with others and to really honestly be free from the pressure to perform. Where does that come from? From inside myself or without? I am unsure.
Sigh.
I've been begging God to allow me breakthrough in ANY area really. I am a highly focused individual. Highly focused and committed. You show me something and I'm clear about it and I'm all in. I go for it. I'm obsessed until it is done.
Not a good thing when it comes to relationships. Not a good thing.
Also, not a good thing when pretty much anything you were made to do or called to do is dependent on breakthrough and there are walls everywhere in my life. So I am kind of just stuck. Really. I feel imprisoned still. Like I just can't get traction to go anywhere. Left, right, up or down? What the heck am I supposed to be doing with my time? I feel like a caged animal who has gone around the room about a gazillion times and has looked and looked for a way out. I've pressed on every brick in the place. I've knocked for hollow places. I've pulled myself up to peer out the window by the bars and can see the outside. I can see what's waiting me. I just can't get there. I don't know how to get out of this cell.
Rent is due in a week again. It's now $1205.10. What am I doing paying that much if I don't have a job and don't have any sort of ministry or purpose in this town? Honestly. Let's be serious here. Moving is not easy. And I'm realising it gets tougher the older you get. You really do settle into your ways and become a bit complacent about there being any hope left at all out there.
It's way beyond just me scampering about trying to look for a way out, trying to get to my purpose. I don't even feel released. I feel like God is just telling me to wait and be still. I am disgusted that I can't keep my focus on him. That I keep thinking about the future promised me. Why can't I be one of those persons who lives for today? That is the motto I've believed in all my life...and I've never really achieved it. I'm always looking ahead. Looking beyond. I want to enjoy God now. I want to be present with him now. I don't want to think about the things he's shown me will be. But I want to start to enjoy the things that are now...even though there isn't much in this cave/cage with me. He's here. I want so desperately...so so badly to just focus on him and that be enough for me. To seriously not compare myself with others and to really honestly be free from the pressure to perform. Where does that come from? From inside myself or without? I am unsure.
Sigh.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
.014
admittedly, this numeric system is getting a little blase. (darn mac's don't have the same ALT+ options so that you can make foreign words easily.) yet...i am committed to it for a while longer. perhaps it is appropriate for these entries are like stepping stones in my heart. step 13...rough spot. but it led to 14 and fourteen is always a good number.
okay so i got that love/hate thing out of my system. got the absolute frustration of wanting something but not being able to have it temper-tantrum just out and on the table. got it out. let it flow, let it go. and you know what? like someone told me Saturday night (only knowing that I had snapped, not the specifics)...it's a good place for me to be. and as i listened, i agreed. it was. i had peace about being angry. i had peace about cussing my heart out. i had peace. it wasn't like that old condemnation bug haunting me telling me how bad i am or how little my faith is. it was just like a big dad sitting a bit off waiting for it to be over. not judging me or asking for me to be other than i am. but just giving my emotions validity.
it is a gift of life to be able to experience such a wonderous range of emotions. it is something unique to us. and i love them. i love them dearly. i love that i can feel. you know people cut themselves so they can feel. some people are so numb to life. not me. i feel. i feel it all. and i am embracing that sensitivity. i am so sensitive. i am delicate. just trying to protect myself with this hard shell. i want her to survive undamaged from all the assaults...but so many arrows get through. not such a tough shell afterall, especially when someone has broken through. i really have no defenses if i already let you into my heart.
some moments you don't want to share. some moments you just want to snuggle in your brain and curl up with in a warm blankety embrace. "love you. thanks for coming. i can't even believe you're here." i had lots of those moments over the weekend. lots of God moments. moments where God just stepped in from the sidelines and grabbed me with both hands on both arms and just looked me dead-on in the face. straight on in the eyes. and spoke so clearly with such loving-tenderness that the soft, tender kid in me knew she was safe. then he snuggled me up in his arms. and i was okay to relax. i was so okay to relax, i spent most of the weekend really sick. i suppose it's appropriate. you let go, you let love in and all the junk has to go. it has to be let out. seems quite a propos. (another french term needing an accent.)
so anyways. i thank God for the precious gift of my husband. thank you God so much. thank you. i can't wait to snuggle up next to him and fall asleep on his chest and pinch him to see if he's really there. after all this time...
okay so i got that love/hate thing out of my system. got the absolute frustration of wanting something but not being able to have it temper-tantrum just out and on the table. got it out. let it flow, let it go. and you know what? like someone told me Saturday night (only knowing that I had snapped, not the specifics)...it's a good place for me to be. and as i listened, i agreed. it was. i had peace about being angry. i had peace about cussing my heart out. i had peace. it wasn't like that old condemnation bug haunting me telling me how bad i am or how little my faith is. it was just like a big dad sitting a bit off waiting for it to be over. not judging me or asking for me to be other than i am. but just giving my emotions validity.
it is a gift of life to be able to experience such a wonderous range of emotions. it is something unique to us. and i love them. i love them dearly. i love that i can feel. you know people cut themselves so they can feel. some people are so numb to life. not me. i feel. i feel it all. and i am embracing that sensitivity. i am so sensitive. i am delicate. just trying to protect myself with this hard shell. i want her to survive undamaged from all the assaults...but so many arrows get through. not such a tough shell afterall, especially when someone has broken through. i really have no defenses if i already let you into my heart.
some moments you don't want to share. some moments you just want to snuggle in your brain and curl up with in a warm blankety embrace. "love you. thanks for coming. i can't even believe you're here." i had lots of those moments over the weekend. lots of God moments. moments where God just stepped in from the sidelines and grabbed me with both hands on both arms and just looked me dead-on in the face. straight on in the eyes. and spoke so clearly with such loving-tenderness that the soft, tender kid in me knew she was safe. then he snuggled me up in his arms. and i was okay to relax. i was so okay to relax, i spent most of the weekend really sick. i suppose it's appropriate. you let go, you let love in and all the junk has to go. it has to be let out. seems quite a propos. (another french term needing an accent.)
so anyways. i thank God for the precious gift of my husband. thank you God so much. thank you. i can't wait to snuggle up next to him and fall asleep on his chest and pinch him to see if he's really there. after all this time...
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
.013
Thirteen is bound to be a depressing post. why wouldn't it be? it's the number 13.
today i am having a crisis of faith.
i am in a horrific mood.
a man's tire was burning next to me on the freeway as i came into work at hell today. then his tire fell off.
i don't know what my faith is made of.
if it's just wrapped up in promises that never come to be. my faith is an effing joke. where is the joy for today? where is something going right just for once for fuck's sake?
i've lived on the expectancy of the grace of God for so long and have found myself in a pit of hatred for every bit of my life. except my dog.
i'm also suffering from PMS.
i feel postal.
a shooting range or other cathartic event is needed right now. TaeKwonDo was always good for days of anger and rage.
today i am having a crisis of faith.
i am in a horrific mood.
a man's tire was burning next to me on the freeway as i came into work at hell today. then his tire fell off.
i don't know what my faith is made of.
if it's just wrapped up in promises that never come to be. my faith is an effing joke. where is the joy for today? where is something going right just for once for fuck's sake?
i've lived on the expectancy of the grace of God for so long and have found myself in a pit of hatred for every bit of my life. except my dog.
i'm also suffering from PMS.
i feel postal.
a shooting range or other cathartic event is needed right now. TaeKwonDo was always good for days of anger and rage.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
.012
oh honey, just get here already. figure it out. move to la. sigh.
today's been good. i think i'll be bartending soon at deniro's restaurant.
told colin today that i want to sing. getting bold about it.
still loving someone even though they don't talk to me. wonder if they think of me. wonder what God's saying to that person.
might have found a new roommate. she's sweet. and works at the same place i think i might bartend at.
can't wait to leave disney.
can't wait for my lover in this lifetime to come to me.
but i will wait. all good things come to those who wait.
and waiting is what i said i'd do.
i said i'd wait for him. i made a covenant with God about it.
i did.
today's been good. i think i'll be bartending soon at deniro's restaurant.
told colin today that i want to sing. getting bold about it.
still loving someone even though they don't talk to me. wonder if they think of me. wonder what God's saying to that person.
might have found a new roommate. she's sweet. and works at the same place i think i might bartend at.
can't wait to leave disney.
can't wait for my lover in this lifetime to come to me.
but i will wait. all good things come to those who wait.
and waiting is what i said i'd do.
i said i'd wait for him. i made a covenant with God about it.
i did.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
.011
Well hello.
People are asking me if I am on drugs. Saying that my blonde is really coming through. I find all this really hilarious. The Bible does talk about us appearing foolish. I don't care if I seem like a fool. I've just got to be me. I think I've spent so long just hiding away. Thinking my body isn't great, thinking my nose is too big. All that stuff. I am so critical of myself. But I've just decided that you know, God loves me. He so loves me just the way I am. And I don't have to be ashamed of how I look or not let people see me. See me! I'm just who I am. No apologies for that. If you can't accept me for who I am, there is something wrong with you!
Jesus is just good. I'm so in love with him. He's amazing. Man, I can't believe I didn't see how amazing he really is. Or how for sooo long I've tried to let other people take the place that only he can hold. I mean it's only his. He created that vacuum, that void and only he can fill it. So I'm letting him...oh my gosh, he is the most amazing thing/person/place EVER!
I dunno. This is crazy talk! Isn't it??? But I was never taught as a child to make Jesus my hero. I was taught about Jesus. And later I was taught about intimacy with him...but all this time I've STILL been searching out someone or something to take his place. Mostly someone these days. And it really makes sense to me now that until I give Jesus the space that only he can have, I will not really understand who I am meant to be with. Makes me think about a lot of stuff that's transpired in recent months. And wonder what will become of it.
GONE! Are the anxious thoughts! GONE! I mean...I was only having them because I hadn't gave Jesus his rightful place. But with him there...there is no anxiety. This is an amazing way to live!
Who knows what's going to happen now? Who cares!??! It's up to him! And because he IS so incredibly amazing I don't doubt that what's coming my way is just like really going to shock me and blow my socks off.
Me and a friend have been recently praying for each other. He's been praying some kooky prayers which really started shaking things up for me. So I decided to maybe one up him...I started praying that God would send warring angels to block our paths so that we cannot tread down any path that is not God's full-will for our lives. I decided that with calls like ours drastic calls are necessary. BAR ME, GOD! Hedge me in. Don't let me even go into anything that is not meant for me. I'm so serious. I don't have time to waste.
People are asking me if I am on drugs. Saying that my blonde is really coming through. I find all this really hilarious. The Bible does talk about us appearing foolish. I don't care if I seem like a fool. I've just got to be me. I think I've spent so long just hiding away. Thinking my body isn't great, thinking my nose is too big. All that stuff. I am so critical of myself. But I've just decided that you know, God loves me. He so loves me just the way I am. And I don't have to be ashamed of how I look or not let people see me. See me! I'm just who I am. No apologies for that. If you can't accept me for who I am, there is something wrong with you!
Jesus is just good. I'm so in love with him. He's amazing. Man, I can't believe I didn't see how amazing he really is. Or how for sooo long I've tried to let other people take the place that only he can hold. I mean it's only his. He created that vacuum, that void and only he can fill it. So I'm letting him...oh my gosh, he is the most amazing thing/person/place EVER!
I dunno. This is crazy talk! Isn't it??? But I was never taught as a child to make Jesus my hero. I was taught about Jesus. And later I was taught about intimacy with him...but all this time I've STILL been searching out someone or something to take his place. Mostly someone these days. And it really makes sense to me now that until I give Jesus the space that only he can have, I will not really understand who I am meant to be with. Makes me think about a lot of stuff that's transpired in recent months. And wonder what will become of it.
GONE! Are the anxious thoughts! GONE! I mean...I was only having them because I hadn't gave Jesus his rightful place. But with him there...there is no anxiety. This is an amazing way to live!
Who knows what's going to happen now? Who cares!??! It's up to him! And because he IS so incredibly amazing I don't doubt that what's coming my way is just like really going to shock me and blow my socks off.
Me and a friend have been recently praying for each other. He's been praying some kooky prayers which really started shaking things up for me. So I decided to maybe one up him...I started praying that God would send warring angels to block our paths so that we cannot tread down any path that is not God's full-will for our lives. I decided that with calls like ours drastic calls are necessary. BAR ME, GOD! Hedge me in. Don't let me even go into anything that is not meant for me. I'm so serious. I don't have time to waste.
Monday, January 26, 2009
.010
Wow. Ten already. Ten different days I've had something to say that I deemed worthwhile enough to write down.
ugh. today is ridiculous.
someday i might tell you about my gifting and you might say back to me
wow i want that
i'm so jealous
or other silly words
but trust me
this
comes at a great cost to me
to my person
the person I think I am
the one I made myself to me
not the real me
the real me would jump at the chance
to be involved in the personal history of another
and not think for one second what it cost her
or what it held in store for her
she is a giver
and i
i take
i could suck the life right out of you in 15 seconds flat
if i really wanted to
i could
cause i'm that gross inside
but that's just me
not the real me
the real me dances for joy and doesn't care who is watching
the real me gives her money away and away and away
trusting, oh so trusting
the real me would hug you and kiss you without a second thought
of it being weird or romantic or scary
and one day we might just find it being that
but the real me wouldn't think about that before she jumped
she just dives in and sinks
knowing there are hands to grab her and save her
cause she knows love
that casts out fear
That's how I feel today. Well some of it. I've got a God-directive. I made an agreement with the man upstairs and I, in my foolishness and selfishness, whine and complain and ask a load of questions that sound like a two-year-old. Why? Why? Why? Whine. Whine. Whine.
Gross.
Two are stronger than one. A chord of three strands cannot be easily broken. So mister, I'm standing by you. I know you don't know what transpired between me and God. I know you aren't even reading this blog. But...God cares about you THIS much! THIS MUCH! That he would ask another human being to seriously give of herself so that you might live. I think that God is simply AMAZING! he is. And he's not letting you go and he doesn't want me to back out of my commitment to see this through for you. That's some serious shit. That's haseed love, mister. That's stuff I've not really dealt in before. I'm not used to this. I'm not used to how much of myself has to die in order to let Christ live in and through me. That's just not normalcy for me. So I kinda new I was making a covenant when I said yes to God, but I didn't think it was going to be this tough. I didn't think I was going to change in the process. But man am i ever. And I'm happy for it...it's just like tougher than I thought.
That's all.
ugh. today is ridiculous.
someday i might tell you about my gifting and you might say back to me
wow i want that
i'm so jealous
or other silly words
but trust me
this
comes at a great cost to me
to my person
the person I think I am
the one I made myself to me
not the real me
the real me would jump at the chance
to be involved in the personal history of another
and not think for one second what it cost her
or what it held in store for her
she is a giver
and i
i take
i could suck the life right out of you in 15 seconds flat
if i really wanted to
i could
cause i'm that gross inside
but that's just me
not the real me
the real me dances for joy and doesn't care who is watching
the real me gives her money away and away and away
trusting, oh so trusting
the real me would hug you and kiss you without a second thought
of it being weird or romantic or scary
and one day we might just find it being that
but the real me wouldn't think about that before she jumped
she just dives in and sinks
knowing there are hands to grab her and save her
cause she knows love
that casts out fear
That's how I feel today. Well some of it. I've got a God-directive. I made an agreement with the man upstairs and I, in my foolishness and selfishness, whine and complain and ask a load of questions that sound like a two-year-old. Why? Why? Why? Whine. Whine. Whine.
Gross.
Two are stronger than one. A chord of three strands cannot be easily broken. So mister, I'm standing by you. I know you don't know what transpired between me and God. I know you aren't even reading this blog. But...God cares about you THIS much! THIS MUCH! That he would ask another human being to seriously give of herself so that you might live. I think that God is simply AMAZING! he is. And he's not letting you go and he doesn't want me to back out of my commitment to see this through for you. That's some serious shit. That's haseed love, mister. That's stuff I've not really dealt in before. I'm not used to this. I'm not used to how much of myself has to die in order to let Christ live in and through me. That's just not normalcy for me. So I kinda new I was making a covenant when I said yes to God, but I didn't think it was going to be this tough. I didn't think I was going to change in the process. But man am i ever. And I'm happy for it...it's just like tougher than I thought.
That's all.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
.009
Careful what you call others, you end up being that.
Not too long ago I was saddened that a girl I knew seemed to be having a difficult time with people in the church and she lashed out and was calling them names on facebook. That's okay. Better to not do that, but okay. We're all where we are in life.
Last night I made the decision to stay home. I weighed it like this...I struggle with drinking especially when I am around new people. Drunk people make me want to drink when I have no secure relationships in the room. Given that I didn't really know the person who invited me, the traffic situation, and parking sitch...the factors were adding up. Also, there just isn't money for it. My paycheck wasn't processed at work yesterday so I can't be paying for valet (nevermind the fact that my car dies at every stoplight) and entrance into the show, etc. So it was a no. I have won the battle over alcohol and the only battle to fight is staying aware of my propensity for it.
I'd love to be invited to something that makes me feel safe and loved. I hear of people playing mafia and having girl's nights. But I don't get invited to those. I have my assumptions why. But whatever. I'm not invited and I'm not going to force my way into a social network. And I'm not going to conform to be the person that fits a mold that is the standard for girls in this church's culture to live by. I live by my values and relationship with Jesus alone.
So it was hurtful to see that I was being made fun of today (by the same girl who was calling others names) because I said I couldn't go. Mind you, no one has taken the time to get to know me and know that my struggle has been alcohol and that inviting me to an event that is alcohol based and then ridiculing me for not coming is rather cruel. And that's simply not God. Makes me not want to fellowship with these people. But then that's not God either. I'm just being honest.
At least the thought of not being so lonely here in LA was a nice thought. Where is my lover? I know he'd understand.
Not too long ago I was saddened that a girl I knew seemed to be having a difficult time with people in the church and she lashed out and was calling them names on facebook. That's okay. Better to not do that, but okay. We're all where we are in life.
Last night I made the decision to stay home. I weighed it like this...I struggle with drinking especially when I am around new people. Drunk people make me want to drink when I have no secure relationships in the room. Given that I didn't really know the person who invited me, the traffic situation, and parking sitch...the factors were adding up. Also, there just isn't money for it. My paycheck wasn't processed at work yesterday so I can't be paying for valet (nevermind the fact that my car dies at every stoplight) and entrance into the show, etc. So it was a no. I have won the battle over alcohol and the only battle to fight is staying aware of my propensity for it.
I'd love to be invited to something that makes me feel safe and loved. I hear of people playing mafia and having girl's nights. But I don't get invited to those. I have my assumptions why. But whatever. I'm not invited and I'm not going to force my way into a social network. And I'm not going to conform to be the person that fits a mold that is the standard for girls in this church's culture to live by. I live by my values and relationship with Jesus alone.
So it was hurtful to see that I was being made fun of today (by the same girl who was calling others names) because I said I couldn't go. Mind you, no one has taken the time to get to know me and know that my struggle has been alcohol and that inviting me to an event that is alcohol based and then ridiculing me for not coming is rather cruel. And that's simply not God. Makes me not want to fellowship with these people. But then that's not God either. I'm just being honest.
At least the thought of not being so lonely here in LA was a nice thought. Where is my lover? I know he'd understand.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Obedience
how to bend iron
not even a solid search
will yield results
to ease the wrestling of my mind
how to mold iron
still nothing
does no one practice
such practices?
or is it an unspeakable matter
left for the entangled heart
to search out on its own?
has iron's strength barred
any information about its
destruction from being
transferred to souls who
seeking her refining
use engines to look for answers
it's me
not you
show me how i being the
consistency i am can surrender
show me how i with clear imperfection
can give way to the will of another
not even a solid search
will yield results
to ease the wrestling of my mind
how to mold iron
still nothing
does no one practice
such practices?
or is it an unspeakable matter
left for the entangled heart
to search out on its own?
has iron's strength barred
any information about its
destruction from being
transferred to souls who
seeking her refining
use engines to look for answers
it's me
not you
show me how i being the
consistency i am can surrender
show me how i with clear imperfection
can give way to the will of another
.008
It's 10:48 and I have been at work for only 48 minutes. This week I am setting my own schedule, by the grace of God. That is grace indeed. I set it last week and was extremely thankful this morning for that extra hour of sleep and the lessened traffic. Still the same car problems the entire way here BUT the rest of the week I will be on the Vespa (hoping the weather stays in the 80s). Well, the new freedom in the work schedule IS indicator of things to come and when I walked Maguy outside this morning to pee there was a penny on the step...that is SURE sign that God has provision financially coming. That may seem trivial but every time I find money (which is so frequent) I've made a pact with God that I will take that as his sign that he knows I need money and a promise that he is bringing more.
I don't know when I am going to surrender. What is with my trust issues? I seriously do not trust God. I trust my own wisdom over his. That's despicable and disgusting. I, a created being, crying out for the heart of my father do not trust him or what he tells me to do. He is gracious enough and loving enough to come to me and talk to me when I ask him and what he says to me I consider too much to bear and too hard to obey. I don't feel a sense of shame or condemnation about it but I do feel very sad and disappointed with myself. I feel sick in my heart that I am being disobedient. My heart feels ill. I want more than anything to obey. I want my longings to go away or to submit to the will of Christ. I asked for his opinion and his way and he gave it to me and I turned around and said, "This is too much for me." I don't like this about myself and I'm just being honest.
I am back on facebook right now. My face just got all tingly cause now it's 11:01am and apparently that's a good time to cry. I sometimes wonder why God created me with such a strong will. Why? Why am I made of iron? Why??? haha...as I'm writing a vision I had is becoming clearer. anyhoo...not the time to relay it right now. But he knows I'm made of iron...he does. I'm just failing to understand why I was created that way? If and when my desires conflict with his desires and directions, it is me who must give. It is me who must bend. It is me who must move. That's easy for a piece of linen. God's breath comes in and it blows right through the linen. I see so many people who are linen around me. They flow and move with God with such ease. It's easy for flowers and paper...I guess not all things are easily moved. BUT iron? Iron is probably one of the hardest things to bend, right? It just seems to me that it goes against my constitution. How does iron bend? How do I make way and do what God told me to do?
Alright well I'm sure there will be more thoughts later today as I am stuck here until 6:30pm. Church tonight though and I am expecting God to show up. I am expecting God to show me how to do this. I am expecting words of encouragement and prophetic words. I am expecting to minister and see people healed and for God to speak through me to others.
That just reminded me. Sunday, I prayed with a brother and God cared enough to heal his sore throat. Isn't that amazing? God cares about sore throats! Most times it's just like...should I really ask for prayer for this? SURE! If it bothers you, it bothers him. So I was thankful for that testimony. So very thankful.
I don't know when I am going to surrender. What is with my trust issues? I seriously do not trust God. I trust my own wisdom over his. That's despicable and disgusting. I, a created being, crying out for the heart of my father do not trust him or what he tells me to do. He is gracious enough and loving enough to come to me and talk to me when I ask him and what he says to me I consider too much to bear and too hard to obey. I don't feel a sense of shame or condemnation about it but I do feel very sad and disappointed with myself. I feel sick in my heart that I am being disobedient. My heart feels ill. I want more than anything to obey. I want my longings to go away or to submit to the will of Christ. I asked for his opinion and his way and he gave it to me and I turned around and said, "This is too much for me." I don't like this about myself and I'm just being honest.
I am back on facebook right now. My face just got all tingly cause now it's 11:01am and apparently that's a good time to cry. I sometimes wonder why God created me with such a strong will. Why? Why am I made of iron? Why??? haha...as I'm writing a vision I had is becoming clearer. anyhoo...not the time to relay it right now. But he knows I'm made of iron...he does. I'm just failing to understand why I was created that way? If and when my desires conflict with his desires and directions, it is me who must give. It is me who must bend. It is me who must move. That's easy for a piece of linen. God's breath comes in and it blows right through the linen. I see so many people who are linen around me. They flow and move with God with such ease. It's easy for flowers and paper...I guess not all things are easily moved. BUT iron? Iron is probably one of the hardest things to bend, right? It just seems to me that it goes against my constitution. How does iron bend? How do I make way and do what God told me to do?
Alright well I'm sure there will be more thoughts later today as I am stuck here until 6:30pm. Church tonight though and I am expecting God to show up. I am expecting God to show me how to do this. I am expecting words of encouragement and prophetic words. I am expecting to minister and see people healed and for God to speak through me to others.
That just reminded me. Sunday, I prayed with a brother and God cared enough to heal his sore throat. Isn't that amazing? God cares about sore throats! Most times it's just like...should I really ask for prayer for this? SURE! If it bothers you, it bothers him. So I was thankful for that testimony. So very thankful.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
.007
YES! Double oh seven. I love this number. Not as good as 77 but alas.
Interesting day today...as they all are lately. Please hold while I make coffee at 9pm.
Ok coffee on desk, and just did some dishes...what an efficient little being I've become.
I propose that if a day were not interesting I should not be alive. At least at one point in every day I should be in awe of something. Which is kind of like writing awesome. ha.
Now I have worship music on and I am not far off from starting music production again. I wrote one song today. Yeah God. I have decided to put an end to the striving and the naysaying of my mind and just write. Write and accept it as good and pleasing to the Lord. I know I will get better as time goes on.
So...I tried out the new worship song tonight at prayer group and I took it that since everyone was singing along and harmonizing it might be at least powerful in word. Thank you Jesus! Thank you JESUS! ha.
I'm hoping that the headache is indeed a caffeine headache or I will be up all night with a caffeine buzz and a headache which undoubtedly would be from stress and things I have not yet turned over to God. God is breaking through. God is helping me gain victory in the areas I have struggled with for so long! I don't have enough words for thanks, but there is more to go. More to win, more land to claim back...territory that is rightfully mine because of Christ's victory on my behalf. Freedom. Freedom for my mind. Oh God, let it be so!
My mom bought me the "Horton Hears a Who" sweatshirt I really wanted. I had hoped she would and she did. I picked it up from the Post Office yesterday. jojo got her wish...thank God for the small things. What a good, gracious, ever attentive God we serve. And as if that wasn't enough, I was at B&N last night and wearing the hoodie and there was the book...I opened it to read it to my friend as to why it was SO important to me and my life...and I was ecstatic to see that jojo was in fact spelled the right way...cause it could have been some dumb variation but no, it was the name I was given. Precious.
I'm so glad I went to church today. I fought it again. But I am glad. I received some impartation of 3 singers' anointings and one dancer's anointing. I actually started manifesting under it...rare. Anyhoo...my focus is becoming clearer. It is not yet a laser beam, but we are making headway and I am having greater and greater faith. Then probably the strangest thing happened...I began experiencing a breaking of the stronghold of isolation that is over this city and has been over my life! I was kind of in shock. But I am so thankful for people I genuinely honor and think are wonderful. I am thankful that God is allowing us time to spend with each other in real time, face-to-face. There is nothing like being with others. Being with God is an entirely different thing....but being with other believers who are equally-yoked and all that goodness...all that...oh the joys!
sorry dance break...
Interesting day today...as they all are lately. Please hold while I make coffee at 9pm.
Ok coffee on desk, and just did some dishes...what an efficient little being I've become.
I propose that if a day were not interesting I should not be alive. At least at one point in every day I should be in awe of something. Which is kind of like writing awesome. ha.
Now I have worship music on and I am not far off from starting music production again. I wrote one song today. Yeah God. I have decided to put an end to the striving and the naysaying of my mind and just write. Write and accept it as good and pleasing to the Lord. I know I will get better as time goes on.
So...I tried out the new worship song tonight at prayer group and I took it that since everyone was singing along and harmonizing it might be at least powerful in word. Thank you Jesus! Thank you JESUS! ha.
I'm hoping that the headache is indeed a caffeine headache or I will be up all night with a caffeine buzz and a headache which undoubtedly would be from stress and things I have not yet turned over to God. God is breaking through. God is helping me gain victory in the areas I have struggled with for so long! I don't have enough words for thanks, but there is more to go. More to win, more land to claim back...territory that is rightfully mine because of Christ's victory on my behalf. Freedom. Freedom for my mind. Oh God, let it be so!
My mom bought me the "Horton Hears a Who" sweatshirt I really wanted. I had hoped she would and she did. I picked it up from the Post Office yesterday. jojo got her wish...thank God for the small things. What a good, gracious, ever attentive God we serve. And as if that wasn't enough, I was at B&N last night and wearing the hoodie and there was the book...I opened it to read it to my friend as to why it was SO important to me and my life...and I was ecstatic to see that jojo was in fact spelled the right way...cause it could have been some dumb variation but no, it was the name I was given. Precious.
I'm so glad I went to church today. I fought it again. But I am glad. I received some impartation of 3 singers' anointings and one dancer's anointing. I actually started manifesting under it...rare. Anyhoo...my focus is becoming clearer. It is not yet a laser beam, but we are making headway and I am having greater and greater faith. Then probably the strangest thing happened...I began experiencing a breaking of the stronghold of isolation that is over this city and has been over my life! I was kind of in shock. But I am so thankful for people I genuinely honor and think are wonderful. I am thankful that God is allowing us time to spend with each other in real time, face-to-face. There is nothing like being with others. Being with God is an entirely different thing....but being with other believers who are equally-yoked and all that goodness...all that...oh the joys!
sorry dance break...
Friday, January 16, 2009
.006
I'm kind of disgusted with myself.
Last night I dogsat. I swear to Jesus that I have an amazing life. The fact that I can sit in a house and watch TV and read a book and get paid for it is pretty unthinkable. It's sad that they don't have a piano cause then I could say that I was getting paid to play the piano. Hardy har.
Anyhoo...I was re-reading the Final Quest. That book just doesn't get old. It's profound. And depending on where you are in your maturity and growth, it hits you in new ways each time. I decided to start re-reading the book because I was "honoring the point" of another. And it was a good point. God clearly has a lot he wants to say to me through this book in this season of my life. I imagine it'll be that way throughout life...I'll pick that book back up and sigh, "Ahhh, that's so me!"
I'm disgusted because of my self-focus, rather than God-focus. Must all of life be such a struggle to get outside our own self-awareness and start living from a higher place? Anything worthy and meaningful is at a cost. The truths are so basic yet in our quest for God's glory, I've found that I forget it is his glory I am living for. It is simply that that I am praying for. I miss it. I miss the mark so frequently.
When God tells me something is coming my way, I get this self-focused perspective that it is meant for me and for my enjoyment. And while I know it is God's heart to make me happy, really his ultimate goal is his own glory. Take me way back to John Piper 101...God is a hedonist. If he weren't he'd be worshipping something else, and not be God. So if through a prophetic word I am told something, my joy must be found not in the gain that will happen for myself, but in the heart of God that through the fulfillment of that word, he will get more glory and honor. If he made me for singing, it's for him. How does such a simple concept get twisted so easily?
Let me be more specific. I never go here, but today I'm going to risk the vulnerability and do it. I want to be married. I don't know too many women who don't have that desire. That desire, any words or promptings of the Spirit about that desire and the fulfillment of that desire are FOR HIS SAKE. Simply. God will partner me with someone who is great with me because it will benefit God. Through it benefitting God, it will bless us both. I'm so looking forward to it. It will be a great honor to love someone and to receive love from someone. It will honor God to make those sacrifices and to work for his purposes to be manifested here on earth.
The trap I usually fall into in this area is like vomiting all over myself. I wonder why God hasn't brought him yet. I think about a million things that are just dumb. But the answer to all of my musings is: it's because this is the way to his highest glory. This is how God gets the most out of my life. If I had a husband any of the last years of my life, God would have gotten less glory than he did in those seasons of my life. In this present season, he is getting the most he can from me through my singleness. What freedom! That's so wonderfully exciting.
In the same manner, God is getting the most out of me and through me as I press through the muck and mire of working at Disney as he asks me to cut back and start working on music...to start trusting him more and not be afraid of man. He met me huge yesterday as I told my bosses I could not come in full-time and they conceded to give me any schedule I wanted. I name it, it's mine. That's so God. That's partnering with God! He's going to get more out of my life now! I'm so happy about that!
Well anyways, I wanted to also say that God gave me so many dreams last night. Something about children in India...hahaha...I think I know what that is. And I woke with peace and joy. I am enjoying not being on facebook as I am seeing God change me quickly for the next things. He is good!
Last night I dogsat. I swear to Jesus that I have an amazing life. The fact that I can sit in a house and watch TV and read a book and get paid for it is pretty unthinkable. It's sad that they don't have a piano cause then I could say that I was getting paid to play the piano. Hardy har.
Anyhoo...I was re-reading the Final Quest. That book just doesn't get old. It's profound. And depending on where you are in your maturity and growth, it hits you in new ways each time. I decided to start re-reading the book because I was "honoring the point" of another. And it was a good point. God clearly has a lot he wants to say to me through this book in this season of my life. I imagine it'll be that way throughout life...I'll pick that book back up and sigh, "Ahhh, that's so me!"
I'm disgusted because of my self-focus, rather than God-focus. Must all of life be such a struggle to get outside our own self-awareness and start living from a higher place? Anything worthy and meaningful is at a cost. The truths are so basic yet in our quest for God's glory, I've found that I forget it is his glory I am living for. It is simply that that I am praying for. I miss it. I miss the mark so frequently.
When God tells me something is coming my way, I get this self-focused perspective that it is meant for me and for my enjoyment. And while I know it is God's heart to make me happy, really his ultimate goal is his own glory. Take me way back to John Piper 101...God is a hedonist. If he weren't he'd be worshipping something else, and not be God. So if through a prophetic word I am told something, my joy must be found not in the gain that will happen for myself, but in the heart of God that through the fulfillment of that word, he will get more glory and honor. If he made me for singing, it's for him. How does such a simple concept get twisted so easily?
Let me be more specific. I never go here, but today I'm going to risk the vulnerability and do it. I want to be married. I don't know too many women who don't have that desire. That desire, any words or promptings of the Spirit about that desire and the fulfillment of that desire are FOR HIS SAKE. Simply. God will partner me with someone who is great with me because it will benefit God. Through it benefitting God, it will bless us both. I'm so looking forward to it. It will be a great honor to love someone and to receive love from someone. It will honor God to make those sacrifices and to work for his purposes to be manifested here on earth.
The trap I usually fall into in this area is like vomiting all over myself. I wonder why God hasn't brought him yet. I think about a million things that are just dumb. But the answer to all of my musings is: it's because this is the way to his highest glory. This is how God gets the most out of my life. If I had a husband any of the last years of my life, God would have gotten less glory than he did in those seasons of my life. In this present season, he is getting the most he can from me through my singleness. What freedom! That's so wonderfully exciting.
In the same manner, God is getting the most out of me and through me as I press through the muck and mire of working at Disney as he asks me to cut back and start working on music...to start trusting him more and not be afraid of man. He met me huge yesterday as I told my bosses I could not come in full-time and they conceded to give me any schedule I wanted. I name it, it's mine. That's so God. That's partnering with God! He's going to get more out of my life now! I'm so happy about that!
Well anyways, I wanted to also say that God gave me so many dreams last night. Something about children in India...hahaha...I think I know what that is. And I woke with peace and joy. I am enjoying not being on facebook as I am seeing God change me quickly for the next things. He is good!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
.0052
Well I just had to get drastic with it. I am not being obedient and it is actually hurting me to not be so. I feel the weight of my disobedience. So I just pulled myself completely out of the situation that is causing me to remain in the same place.
Hopefully, some of you got the link to my blog before I deactivated my faacebook account. Drastic measure. But I liken it to taking all the food out of your house before a fast.
I'm thinking about to Lent when I was at BelAir. The only year I ever celebrated Lent. Kinda weird. But anyhoo...I fasted MySpace...that was TOUGH! In fact, I cheated. I created a separate account so that I could log on once in a while while still appearing to honor my fast. HYPOCRITE! so...there will be none of that. I will not be logging in to another account so I can be on facebook without being on facebook.
I don't know how long this will last. But I will know when God releases me. I'll miss seeing your pretty faces.
Hopefully, some of you got the link to my blog before I deactivated my faacebook account. Drastic measure. But I liken it to taking all the food out of your house before a fast.
I'm thinking about to Lent when I was at BelAir. The only year I ever celebrated Lent. Kinda weird. But anyhoo...I fasted MySpace...that was TOUGH! In fact, I cheated. I created a separate account so that I could log on once in a while while still appearing to honor my fast. HYPOCRITE! so...there will be none of that. I will not be logging in to another account so I can be on facebook without being on facebook.
I don't know how long this will last. But I will know when God releases me. I'll miss seeing your pretty faces.
.005
There is this heartcry today. I wondered last night if I was grieving or if I am now living with an ulcer. I didn't sleep last night, well not much. Maybe a couple hours. The process I am going through is drudging up so much stuff in me and I'm finding it really difficult. Familiar pains. It's grief. I know him well. There is a part of me dying and the rest of me doesn't like it. The rest of me functions with that ligament or that limp or whatever part is has been for now. It might just be a tumor. Who knows but my self has grown accustomed to it and it's not happy about the process of expulsion. I feel horribly sad. I feel like bursting into tears at any moment and I do. Same thing as when Dad was passing...that's why I know it's grief.
Fortunately, God isn't silent and he's been speaking to me about new wineskins and the old passing so the new can come. Doesn't make the process any different. But I think I am determined to give praise in this time...to rejoice. I've always just given into despair during grief. But something shifted in me since Dad's death. There really is reason to give thanks in all things. I can't comprehend it fully but all I know is as I give praise it almost quickens the process. And it is a commandment, to give thanks. So that is becoming my focus.
The thing I am struggling with most is obedience. The things God has told me to do are far above my present willingness to surrender. It is really fear based. I can see that now. I fear letting go because I have bought the lie that my way is higher or that I need to do the things I am doing in order to function. The truth is I do not need those things or he would not have instructed me to obey his way. ripppppppppp...the lie further separates from my chest. gah, i feel like screaming.
Fortunately, God isn't silent and he's been speaking to me about new wineskins and the old passing so the new can come. Doesn't make the process any different. But I think I am determined to give praise in this time...to rejoice. I've always just given into despair during grief. But something shifted in me since Dad's death. There really is reason to give thanks in all things. I can't comprehend it fully but all I know is as I give praise it almost quickens the process. And it is a commandment, to give thanks. So that is becoming my focus.
The thing I am struggling with most is obedience. The things God has told me to do are far above my present willingness to surrender. It is really fear based. I can see that now. I fear letting go because I have bought the lie that my way is higher or that I need to do the things I am doing in order to function. The truth is I do not need those things or he would not have instructed me to obey his way. ripppppppppp...the lie further separates from my chest. gah, i feel like screaming.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
.0041
haha. this is how it starts, you know? i start writing and i can't stop. it becomes my obsession. well hopefully some good nuggets will come of it and maybe Amy and I can finally work on that book. oh the book...it hangs there like attraction. you gotta do something about it, but do you dare?
so i'm just sitting here at work. totally bored. two more days of this nonsense. two more days. i mean it. i'm done. i mean it. why do you not believe me? God, give me strength. i want this to be over. i'm applying for a part-time temp job that could be good and if i can give music some muscle in this season maybe the walls will just break brittle. yeah, those walls. not made of much anyways.
it's those moments of boredom where warrior me has to rise up and conquer the voices. conquer the doubt. i feel the darkness creeping in. it's hanging on the outskirts of my mind waiting to be allowed an inch for the invasion. when am i going to be untemptable by it? when will it KNOW it has no dominion over me so it just won't even bother? the real issue is all this steam i have and how i channel it. i am what analogy you want to use here...i am waiting to explode. so all this energy has to go somewhere and i hate to admit that most of the time...it goes into repetitive actions which produce anxiety, strain and doubt.
fortunately, God knows that about me so his request yesterday is so grueling that it actually is meant to break that weakness of mine and get me into hearing his present word to me and responding immediately to what he is telling me to do, rather than living in the confines of normalcy and routine. routine kills you. seriously, it kills the real you. and through this stripping i am realising i am so dependent on him talking to me. i am so dependent on knowing second by second what he wants me to do. i've been trying to go it alone...no matter how much of me does surrender there is still this part that wants to hold on to my independence and make my own path and hope that he joins me on it.
when there is a path already paved and hedged-in waiting for me. ugh. surrender. why's it so freaking hard?
so i'm just sitting here at work. totally bored. two more days of this nonsense. two more days. i mean it. i'm done. i mean it. why do you not believe me? God, give me strength. i want this to be over. i'm applying for a part-time temp job that could be good and if i can give music some muscle in this season maybe the walls will just break brittle. yeah, those walls. not made of much anyways.
it's those moments of boredom where warrior me has to rise up and conquer the voices. conquer the doubt. i feel the darkness creeping in. it's hanging on the outskirts of my mind waiting to be allowed an inch for the invasion. when am i going to be untemptable by it? when will it KNOW it has no dominion over me so it just won't even bother? the real issue is all this steam i have and how i channel it. i am what analogy you want to use here...i am waiting to explode. so all this energy has to go somewhere and i hate to admit that most of the time...it goes into repetitive actions which produce anxiety, strain and doubt.
fortunately, God knows that about me so his request yesterday is so grueling that it actually is meant to break that weakness of mine and get me into hearing his present word to me and responding immediately to what he is telling me to do, rather than living in the confines of normalcy and routine. routine kills you. seriously, it kills the real you. and through this stripping i am realising i am so dependent on him talking to me. i am so dependent on knowing second by second what he wants me to do. i've been trying to go it alone...no matter how much of me does surrender there is still this part that wants to hold on to my independence and make my own path and hope that he joins me on it.
when there is a path already paved and hedged-in waiting for me. ugh. surrender. why's it so freaking hard?
.004
Rode with Vespa in today with my hair untied and earbuds in. That's a first for the earbuds. I had a great time and at one point when somewhere in Hollywood I thought I was about to get taken to heaven. Man, worship while riding...that is a life thrill. Whew! Thank Jesus for that! Then I was headed over Barham and passing the studios and I just lifted my gaze a little. The mountains, the studios, the road before me, the cars all stopped to my left waiting to inch uphill. I was so into the song I seriously thought about just lifting my arms in praise...like a weeeeeeeeeee, I'm free moment. But 1. fear of man and 2. fear of Vespa toppling over stopped me. Oh well, it was in my heart.
I had great encouragement last night from Zoe at church. Zoe is like this little firebomb who I can't figure out fully but I am starting too. So precious. I really dig her. I had asked God yesterday am to have "Happy Day" be played in worship that night and when Charles and the team started in on it, it was one of those, "My thoughts and pleas matter to God moments." So sweet. Something came over me (hmmm, what could that be?) and I decided to kinda let loose with my voice. I don't do that very often. I'm either too afraid I'll hit a sour note or I'm too afraid of being a showoff or just lacking confidence in general. But I really, honestly felt like, "nah girl, you got this." So I went for it. She was back...that voice that I loved so long ago...that voice! I dunno. Is it even my voice? hahaha...I was half there and half somewhere else but I kept singing and had a blast with it...lost perspective of others around me. FREEDOM! oh my. fantastic.
Then I opened my eyes cause I think Zoe had grabbed my arms or something, I dunno. I opened them and it was like I woke up or something and she was standing right in front of me. She's got big blue doe eyes and blonde hair and she dresses like Madonna in the 80s. Love her. So she's right in front of me and it startled me so I gasped. And then I had to kinda shake myself to bring myself back to...whatever. I so I kinda stood there shaking my head and looking into her eyes and she's still holding on to me. And she's all, "When you sing..." and I'm still staring at her still eager to hear her say something. And she starts speaking over me. This kind of thing would have probably made me weep like a year ago. And as I stood there in newly found strength I took it all in. I took it in as the new me. It was confirmation. It didn't produce a sense of longing or doubt or pain. It was, "Yes, Kristin, this IS the way. Walk in it."
And the rest of what she said is between me, her and God. I know enough now to not tell all this stuff. But it was enough to hear what she said, to know that things happened last night because I let that caged bird out. I let her fly last night. God, it felt good. GOD, it felt good. I love that bird. I love that gift. It's like I minister to my own freaking self when I sing. How is that even possible? Does that happen to painters? Does that happen to accountants? I feel the pulse of the very heart of God when I let air pass over my vocal chords. What is that? WHAT IS THAT? I feel like cussing right now out of joy! HAHAHAHAHA! I just don't have words to express how I feel so explicitives are all I can't think of. I can be who I am created to be! I can be her! I just have to let her run. I have to let her play. I have to let her dance. She's in there. She's still in there. All my years of killing her and neglecting her and sabatoging her cannot keep her down because it is God who did this. It is God who made me. Nothing I've done or will do can separate me from who I am in Christ.
What nonsense is this?
Well, I started to relay to Zoe my struggle right now and she basically told me the very thing that I had already concluded. That it doesn't matter the platform, I need to sing. So if that just means that right now all I do is in my house...it doesn't matter. It shifts my environment...it shifts the environment around me and soundwaves carry. So as I walk in faith, even in my own house, even if that is all that there is. Even if I just record for myself...I have to start walking it out...THANK GOD for Zoe and for using her to speak his heart over me.
WHEW!
I had great encouragement last night from Zoe at church. Zoe is like this little firebomb who I can't figure out fully but I am starting too. So precious. I really dig her. I had asked God yesterday am to have "Happy Day" be played in worship that night and when Charles and the team started in on it, it was one of those, "My thoughts and pleas matter to God moments." So sweet. Something came over me (hmmm, what could that be?) and I decided to kinda let loose with my voice. I don't do that very often. I'm either too afraid I'll hit a sour note or I'm too afraid of being a showoff or just lacking confidence in general. But I really, honestly felt like, "nah girl, you got this." So I went for it. She was back...that voice that I loved so long ago...that voice! I dunno. Is it even my voice? hahaha...I was half there and half somewhere else but I kept singing and had a blast with it...lost perspective of others around me. FREEDOM! oh my. fantastic.
Then I opened my eyes cause I think Zoe had grabbed my arms or something, I dunno. I opened them and it was like I woke up or something and she was standing right in front of me. She's got big blue doe eyes and blonde hair and she dresses like Madonna in the 80s. Love her. So she's right in front of me and it startled me so I gasped. And then I had to kinda shake myself to bring myself back to...whatever. I so I kinda stood there shaking my head and looking into her eyes and she's still holding on to me. And she's all, "When you sing..." and I'm still staring at her still eager to hear her say something. And she starts speaking over me. This kind of thing would have probably made me weep like a year ago. And as I stood there in newly found strength I took it all in. I took it in as the new me. It was confirmation. It didn't produce a sense of longing or doubt or pain. It was, "Yes, Kristin, this IS the way. Walk in it."
And the rest of what she said is between me, her and God. I know enough now to not tell all this stuff. But it was enough to hear what she said, to know that things happened last night because I let that caged bird out. I let her fly last night. God, it felt good. GOD, it felt good. I love that bird. I love that gift. It's like I minister to my own freaking self when I sing. How is that even possible? Does that happen to painters? Does that happen to accountants? I feel the pulse of the very heart of God when I let air pass over my vocal chords. What is that? WHAT IS THAT? I feel like cussing right now out of joy! HAHAHAHAHA! I just don't have words to express how I feel so explicitives are all I can't think of. I can be who I am created to be! I can be her! I just have to let her run. I have to let her play. I have to let her dance. She's in there. She's still in there. All my years of killing her and neglecting her and sabatoging her cannot keep her down because it is God who did this. It is God who made me. Nothing I've done or will do can separate me from who I am in Christ.
What nonsense is this?
Well, I started to relay to Zoe my struggle right now and she basically told me the very thing that I had already concluded. That it doesn't matter the platform, I need to sing. So if that just means that right now all I do is in my house...it doesn't matter. It shifts my environment...it shifts the environment around me and soundwaves carry. So as I walk in faith, even in my own house, even if that is all that there is. Even if I just record for myself...I have to start walking it out...THANK GOD for Zoe and for using her to speak his heart over me.
WHEW!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
.003.5
Two posts in one day. woah.
so God just one-upped me. I thought I was doing good at putting into action what I was told to do mid-december. yeah, i'm a little slow. so i've been doing that and ouch it burns...but i'm walking it out.
walking, walking, walking.
then he one-ups me.
what is that? you say this is what you want and i take it for what it means. you know most rational people would say that the strength and perseverance i am exhibiting right now is a good definition of what he told me to do. i mean if i were friend to me i would tell me....wow, you, that's really amazing. you're amazing. but God's all...wow, that's good okay let's take it another step. i want more from you. i want you to do this as well. it's actually important and it matters if you do it or not. cause what you do when no one else is looking actually creates an environment. others can actually feel what you are doing, even if they never see you do it.
and he's right. and that's true. cause as an intercessor, i know. i pick up things all the time. i know what's going on. no one has to tell me. no one has to spell it out. the secret things are not all that hidden. i can feel the air over your life. i can tell a lot because of the environment you create. so who am i to think that things should be any different for me? superhero complex. gross.
so God just one-upped me. I thought I was doing good at putting into action what I was told to do mid-december. yeah, i'm a little slow. so i've been doing that and ouch it burns...but i'm walking it out.
walking, walking, walking.
then he one-ups me.
what is that? you say this is what you want and i take it for what it means. you know most rational people would say that the strength and perseverance i am exhibiting right now is a good definition of what he told me to do. i mean if i were friend to me i would tell me....wow, you, that's really amazing. you're amazing. but God's all...wow, that's good okay let's take it another step. i want more from you. i want you to do this as well. it's actually important and it matters if you do it or not. cause what you do when no one else is looking actually creates an environment. others can actually feel what you are doing, even if they never see you do it.
and he's right. and that's true. cause as an intercessor, i know. i pick up things all the time. i know what's going on. no one has to tell me. no one has to spell it out. the secret things are not all that hidden. i can feel the air over your life. i can tell a lot because of the environment you create. so who am i to think that things should be any different for me? superhero complex. gross.
.003
Funny. It's been dark for so long that I'm pretty sure I got used to all those demons. I kind of expect to be having the same thoughts and the same patterns and the same dysfunctions as I always have. Mostly dealing in severe doubt, rejection and self-misperception. I'm sure people with physical healing go through the same thing...behaving like they are still sick. Cause it takes some time after you're healed to enter into the reality that you are healed and free and it's not coming back.
I've been experiencing some victory in my mind in the last couple of days since I got ministry. I kind of expected to still be walking around bearing the burdens I always have and mostly carrying that same ache, that ancient ache. But it's just not there. That little ounce of hope really has started to shine in my heart and it's speaking loudly to that darkness. Really. I probably don't have adequate words to express myself here. English is so limiting.
So I'm gonna dance like I mean it. I'm gonna live like I mean it. I'm going to follow that voice and not waiver. Faith and patience. I don't want it unless it's from him anyways. The one I'm surrendered to is great. If he said it, it's just not come yet. Let that truth go deep.
I'm learning a lot about moment to moment submission and obedience. Even in my songwriting, I find I am striving instead of receiving and relaying. I sit down out of duty. I play cause I think it's what I should be doing instead of letting God just woo stuff out of me. I want to be wooed. I want him to want the stuff inside me to come out. And really, he seems more concerned about just being with me right now than what I can produce. I think production equals value. The people I esteem most are in two camps: they are uber productive or they practice the presence of the Lord and live in it. I've found that many times I will give up on the presence and go into production mode in order to find peace. But I think production must come from peace. Really, from any of the fruits of the Spirit. Otherwise, I am just like the rest of the world. I want nothing more to do with striving. I want what joy brings. I want what Love brings. Moreso, I need it. I'm lost without it.
So here I am. Practicing presence. Maybe my life won't end up the way I envisioned. Maybe it'll exceed my greatest dream. I hope so...but either way, I think the only thing that really matters is how much I let God in and how much I surrendered to him. How much I believed what he whispered to me. He's good. He's so good. And he loves me. I'm his favorite.
I've been experiencing some victory in my mind in the last couple of days since I got ministry. I kind of expected to still be walking around bearing the burdens I always have and mostly carrying that same ache, that ancient ache. But it's just not there. That little ounce of hope really has started to shine in my heart and it's speaking loudly to that darkness. Really. I probably don't have adequate words to express myself here. English is so limiting.
So I'm gonna dance like I mean it. I'm gonna live like I mean it. I'm going to follow that voice and not waiver. Faith and patience. I don't want it unless it's from him anyways. The one I'm surrendered to is great. If he said it, it's just not come yet. Let that truth go deep.
I'm learning a lot about moment to moment submission and obedience. Even in my songwriting, I find I am striving instead of receiving and relaying. I sit down out of duty. I play cause I think it's what I should be doing instead of letting God just woo stuff out of me. I want to be wooed. I want him to want the stuff inside me to come out. And really, he seems more concerned about just being with me right now than what I can produce. I think production equals value. The people I esteem most are in two camps: they are uber productive or they practice the presence of the Lord and live in it. I've found that many times I will give up on the presence and go into production mode in order to find peace. But I think production must come from peace. Really, from any of the fruits of the Spirit. Otherwise, I am just like the rest of the world. I want nothing more to do with striving. I want what joy brings. I want what Love brings. Moreso, I need it. I'm lost without it.
So here I am. Practicing presence. Maybe my life won't end up the way I envisioned. Maybe it'll exceed my greatest dream. I hope so...but either way, I think the only thing that really matters is how much I let God in and how much I surrendered to him. How much I believed what he whispered to me. He's good. He's so good. And he loves me. I'm his favorite.
Monday, January 12, 2009
.002
On my way to work this morning I was thinking about how I would be blogging away today in order to be productive and really start catching my thoughts instead of letting them fly away into the ethereal abyss. I was recounting the Sunday just past and formulating phrases that would probably impress a few people with my brief moments of articulation. Alas, my morning has been derailed. The desk I am at at the less-than-happiest-place-on-Earth is sans internet. What a thought. Being unable to connect to the virtual world actually renders you completely useless and worthless when your entire universe requires connectivity. Almost unthinkable that so much of life is built around access to networks and servers and whatever…not like I really know what I’m talking about. But the fact that I can’t even access a list of phone numbers unless my internet connection works is frankly ridiculous. I’m glad we’re saving paper and all, but seriously…
Two hours of life passed waiting for the issue to be resolved. I am reconnected to the world. I feel useful and productive and lame. Makes me want to just go for a good hike or run naked into the ocean or something. I hate how much the electronic age is interfering with just the normalcy of existence and relationship and that honest, look-you-in-the-eye and tell you I love you-ness that been dowsed by the waters of efficiency and productivity. Gag.
Yesterday. Sunday. Barely made it to church...which for me is looks like 9:30 I start doubting that I really want to go and Holy Spirit starts knocking louder and reassuring me that there is something waiting me and just for me and to press through. But that's just it. I'm so tired of pressing through that it's starting to bother me. Okay so my muscles are getting bigger and I'm learning my own weaknesses and God's ability to pretty much just thrash any dumb idea that I have or that has wandered its way into my image center. But for some reason, I'm not happier with just big muscles. I want the prize...I want the thing I've been training for. I want the promise. In timely fashion, Hebrews 6:12 was covered yesterday and it was a reminder. Faith and patience to inherit the promises. If you don't remain in them, don't be pissed things don't come about. Faith and patience. It's in the Word.
That means staying the course for an indefinite amount of time and pretty much dealing with a barrage of storms, earthquakes and bankruptcies before God finally breaks in and says, "See I told you so." He's like that. Not in a mean way but seriously like innocent and full of love. "See I told you so." He loves telling us something and seeing us believe and then giving us the thing we believed for. He does. I know that side of him. I love that side of him.
So the first part of the service was bad for me. When I can't engage in worship, can't sing, can't praise, can't dance...something is maligned and needs serious adjustment. I sat most of worship. Numb. I knew a couple people noticed. But I even went to the back and sat amongst people that I didn't even know so that I could avoid further attention. I put up with off-key singing and everything. When you're not singing, you're forced to listen to others. Unless I'm next to some of my favorite singers, I'm usually miserable if I'm not singing. I was so numb the off-key stuff wasn't totally annoying me. Yeah for not wanting to knock her out because she can't sing. No one in that section really seemed to have much joy either so I felt in good company. At least we were of one accord.
Hey raise your hand if you need some prayer for whatever it was they were saying. So I stood. Yeah, yeah. Jaded, cynical me. Okay no one is coming...and as I put my hand donwn there "someone" was to pray. Okay, that's nice. But no change. Just numb. Then someone else came and started prophesying over me to not give up hope. Yep...there it was. That's the ice pic. I began to cry and to my surprise, he began to cry with me. I cried, he cried. Then I got control of myself and I was okay. And the last thing he said was DANCE!
Well sure enough, Colin decides to put on some music for offering time. And he's all, "It's a secular song cause God touches everyone so come on up and dance." Yeah. Why not? In my heels on a slippery floor, I danced. I danced...and it kinda turned into a little moshy pit. So much fun. We just rocked out for the whole song and then returned to our seats like the non-religious freaks that we are and continued on.
Good message from a couple visiting from Bethel. Thank GOD! and the rest of the day I'll just leave unwritten. I seriously had so many people pray over me that I'm not sure I can count. Tons of encouragement. Tons. I felt good going home. I slept good. I prayed in intercession this morning to secular music cause I felt God in it. I enjoyed the mountains on the drive.
But the battle rages on. The pain is there and I want it gone. I am in the last push and it is grueling. I am having to stand up against the past, the barrage of lies that rip my sides open and only look into the face of Jesus. Only hear what he whispers to me. To count all the rest lost...to count all the rest, especially reason as lies. Because I know my savior's voice and I know I heard him. So I buckle down, I bear down and I'm pressing in.
Two hours of life passed waiting for the issue to be resolved. I am reconnected to the world. I feel useful and productive and lame. Makes me want to just go for a good hike or run naked into the ocean or something. I hate how much the electronic age is interfering with just the normalcy of existence and relationship and that honest, look-you-in-the-eye and tell you I love you-ness that been dowsed by the waters of efficiency and productivity. Gag.
Yesterday. Sunday. Barely made it to church...which for me is looks like 9:30 I start doubting that I really want to go and Holy Spirit starts knocking louder and reassuring me that there is something waiting me and just for me and to press through. But that's just it. I'm so tired of pressing through that it's starting to bother me. Okay so my muscles are getting bigger and I'm learning my own weaknesses and God's ability to pretty much just thrash any dumb idea that I have or that has wandered its way into my image center. But for some reason, I'm not happier with just big muscles. I want the prize...I want the thing I've been training for. I want the promise. In timely fashion, Hebrews 6:12 was covered yesterday and it was a reminder. Faith and patience to inherit the promises. If you don't remain in them, don't be pissed things don't come about. Faith and patience. It's in the Word.
That means staying the course for an indefinite amount of time and pretty much dealing with a barrage of storms, earthquakes and bankruptcies before God finally breaks in and says, "See I told you so." He's like that. Not in a mean way but seriously like innocent and full of love. "See I told you so." He loves telling us something and seeing us believe and then giving us the thing we believed for. He does. I know that side of him. I love that side of him.
So the first part of the service was bad for me. When I can't engage in worship, can't sing, can't praise, can't dance...something is maligned and needs serious adjustment. I sat most of worship. Numb. I knew a couple people noticed. But I even went to the back and sat amongst people that I didn't even know so that I could avoid further attention. I put up with off-key singing and everything. When you're not singing, you're forced to listen to others. Unless I'm next to some of my favorite singers, I'm usually miserable if I'm not singing. I was so numb the off-key stuff wasn't totally annoying me. Yeah for not wanting to knock her out because she can't sing. No one in that section really seemed to have much joy either so I felt in good company. At least we were of one accord.
Hey raise your hand if you need some prayer for whatever it was they were saying. So I stood. Yeah, yeah. Jaded, cynical me. Okay no one is coming...and as I put my hand donwn there "someone" was to pray. Okay, that's nice. But no change. Just numb. Then someone else came and started prophesying over me to not give up hope. Yep...there it was. That's the ice pic. I began to cry and to my surprise, he began to cry with me. I cried, he cried. Then I got control of myself and I was okay. And the last thing he said was DANCE!
Well sure enough, Colin decides to put on some music for offering time. And he's all, "It's a secular song cause God touches everyone so come on up and dance." Yeah. Why not? In my heels on a slippery floor, I danced. I danced...and it kinda turned into a little moshy pit. So much fun. We just rocked out for the whole song and then returned to our seats like the non-religious freaks that we are and continued on.
Good message from a couple visiting from Bethel. Thank GOD! and the rest of the day I'll just leave unwritten. I seriously had so many people pray over me that I'm not sure I can count. Tons of encouragement. Tons. I felt good going home. I slept good. I prayed in intercession this morning to secular music cause I felt God in it. I enjoyed the mountains on the drive.
But the battle rages on. The pain is there and I want it gone. I am in the last push and it is grueling. I am having to stand up against the past, the barrage of lies that rip my sides open and only look into the face of Jesus. Only hear what he whispers to me. To count all the rest lost...to count all the rest, especially reason as lies. Because I know my savior's voice and I know I heard him. So I buckle down, I bear down and I'm pressing in.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
.001
Better to start writing than to title first. The title becomes apparent as you write, but if you title something too soon it limits the work from actually happening. I've found this in music, in relationships, in poems, in jobs. Titles limit. Maybe this blog I will number my entries instead of giving them creative names. I do know this: If I set a hard and fast rule, one day I will want to break it. So I am just not going to worry about the course this new blog will take. Welcome to a fresh start at blogging. "Leaving everything else behind..."
It's 2009. Thank God, in an all honest meaning of the phrase. Thank God. I remember blogging many years previous at the beginning of the year and every year everyone is filled with optimism about the number change. Seriously, every year. I like that about humans. But my wisdom tells me now to not let the emotional undercurrent sweep me away with the rest of the ship's passengers. Time will proof their suppositions. I'm trying not to make any. I have an ounce of hope for this year. I have an ounce of hope for all the things that have been prophesied and spoken over myself and others to start being brought into some sort of tangible manifestation. Even if it's an ounce, it's still hope. But more than not, I feel like I'm somewhere between an anchor for and a black spot on everyone's optimism.
The thing I have said before still stands true. You can't be passive and wait for things to happen to you. Fulfillment in life and especially of the promises of God over your life require participation. Not a working it up in your own effort, no. That's gross. But, a leaning into God's presence and a leaning on God in order to know what steps you should take. And it takes submission. Humble submission. I am a rebellious soul and I rarely like what I hear as "this is the way walk in it." What God tells me to do just doesn't send me out the door jumping for joy and skipping down the street in laughter. His instructions require sacrifice. As all love does. And I find myself in physical pain sometimes because what he says in a protective, fatherly, loving way to me is so counter-intuitive to my own dealings and desires. All my best-laid plans resonate in my chest. But God's plans lay deep in my gut and I know that I know that I know I have no better choice but to trust and obey. Other choices abound and I frequently try out many measures to avoid doing or manipulate what I've been told to do before I actually do what he asks of me.
I'm writing about this because well, I'm struggling with obedience. I have been for about a month now. A solid month of being gently reminded to do something. It started off real simple and I blew it off. Then confirmation after confirmation started coming at me and I was sure in my gut that I was really supposed to do this outlandish thing. But, I didn't. I just couldn't. It hurt too much. I'm still struggling with the nuts and bolts of "how" and "why." But I know those answers will come.
Who, What, Where, When, Why, How? --ask until you get the answers. (When, I'm afraid, will always be the toughest one.)
So welcome friends, welcome to 2009 and my journey through it. Welcome to those of you are unfamiliar with my bluntness. Welcome to those of you who love that most about me. Something good is going to happen. That I know because it is written in the Word. So...I believe, I hope. And hope does not disappoint us.
It's 2009. Thank God, in an all honest meaning of the phrase. Thank God. I remember blogging many years previous at the beginning of the year and every year everyone is filled with optimism about the number change. Seriously, every year. I like that about humans. But my wisdom tells me now to not let the emotional undercurrent sweep me away with the rest of the ship's passengers. Time will proof their suppositions. I'm trying not to make any. I have an ounce of hope for this year. I have an ounce of hope for all the things that have been prophesied and spoken over myself and others to start being brought into some sort of tangible manifestation. Even if it's an ounce, it's still hope. But more than not, I feel like I'm somewhere between an anchor for and a black spot on everyone's optimism.
The thing I have said before still stands true. You can't be passive and wait for things to happen to you. Fulfillment in life and especially of the promises of God over your life require participation. Not a working it up in your own effort, no. That's gross. But, a leaning into God's presence and a leaning on God in order to know what steps you should take. And it takes submission. Humble submission. I am a rebellious soul and I rarely like what I hear as "this is the way walk in it." What God tells me to do just doesn't send me out the door jumping for joy and skipping down the street in laughter. His instructions require sacrifice. As all love does. And I find myself in physical pain sometimes because what he says in a protective, fatherly, loving way to me is so counter-intuitive to my own dealings and desires. All my best-laid plans resonate in my chest. But God's plans lay deep in my gut and I know that I know that I know I have no better choice but to trust and obey. Other choices abound and I frequently try out many measures to avoid doing or manipulate what I've been told to do before I actually do what he asks of me.
I'm writing about this because well, I'm struggling with obedience. I have been for about a month now. A solid month of being gently reminded to do something. It started off real simple and I blew it off. Then confirmation after confirmation started coming at me and I was sure in my gut that I was really supposed to do this outlandish thing. But, I didn't. I just couldn't. It hurt too much. I'm still struggling with the nuts and bolts of "how" and "why." But I know those answers will come.
Who, What, Where, When, Why, How? --ask until you get the answers. (When, I'm afraid, will always be the toughest one.)
So welcome friends, welcome to 2009 and my journey through it. Welcome to those of you are unfamiliar with my bluntness. Welcome to those of you who love that most about me. Something good is going to happen. That I know because it is written in the Word. So...I believe, I hope. And hope does not disappoint us.
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