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Funny. It's been dark for so long that I'm pretty sure I got used to all those demons. I kind of expect to be having the same thoughts and the same patterns and the same dysfunctions as I always have. Mostly dealing in severe doubt, rejection and self-misperception. I'm sure people with physical healing go through the same thing...behaving like they are still sick. Cause it takes some time after you're healed to enter into the reality that you are healed and free and it's not coming back.

I've been experiencing some victory in my mind in the last couple of days since I got ministry. I kind of expected to still be walking around bearing the burdens I always have and mostly carrying that same ache, that ancient ache. But it's just not there. That little ounce of hope really has started to shine in my heart and it's speaking loudly to that darkness. Really. I probably don't have adequate words to express myself here. English is so limiting.

So I'm gonna dance like I mean it. I'm gonna live like I mean it. I'm going to follow that voice and not waiver. Faith and patience. I don't want it unless it's from him anyways. The one I'm surrendered to is great. If he said it, it's just not come yet. Let that truth go deep.

I'm learning a lot about moment to moment submission and obedience. Even in my songwriting, I find I am striving instead of receiving and relaying. I sit down out of duty. I play cause I think it's what I should be doing instead of letting God just woo stuff out of me. I want to be wooed. I want him to want the stuff inside me to come out. And really, he seems more concerned about just being with me right now than what I can produce. I think production equals value. The people I esteem most are in two camps: they are uber productive or they practice the presence of the Lord and live in it. I've found that many times I will give up on the presence and go into production mode in order to find peace. But I think production must come from peace. Really, from any of the fruits of the Spirit. Otherwise, I am just like the rest of the world. I want nothing more to do with striving. I want what joy brings. I want what Love brings. Moreso, I need it. I'm lost without it.

So here I am. Practicing presence. Maybe my life won't end up the way I envisioned. Maybe it'll exceed my greatest dream. I hope so...but either way, I think the only thing that really matters is how much I let God in and how much I surrendered to him. How much I believed what he whispered to me. He's good. He's so good. And he loves me. I'm his favorite.