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Rode with Vespa in today with my hair untied and earbuds in. That's a first for the earbuds. I had a great time and at one point when somewhere in Hollywood I thought I was about to get taken to heaven. Man, worship while riding...that is a life thrill. Whew! Thank Jesus for that! Then I was headed over Barham and passing the studios and I just lifted my gaze a little. The mountains, the studios, the road before me, the cars all stopped to my left waiting to inch uphill. I was so into the song I seriously thought about just lifting my arms in praise...like a weeeeeeeeeee, I'm free moment. But 1. fear of man and 2. fear of Vespa toppling over stopped me. Oh well, it was in my heart.

I had great encouragement last night from Zoe at church. Zoe is like this little firebomb who I can't figure out fully but I am starting too. So precious. I really dig her. I had asked God yesterday am to have "Happy Day" be played in worship that night and when Charles and the team started in on it, it was one of those, "My thoughts and pleas matter to God moments." So sweet. Something came over me (hmmm, what could that be?) and I decided to kinda let loose with my voice. I don't do that very often. I'm either too afraid I'll hit a sour note or I'm too afraid of being a showoff or just lacking confidence in general. But I really, honestly felt like, "nah girl, you got this." So I went for it. She was back...that voice that I loved so long ago...that voice! I dunno. Is it even my voice? hahaha...I was half there and half somewhere else but I kept singing and had a blast with it...lost perspective of others around me. FREEDOM! oh my. fantastic.

Then I opened my eyes cause I think Zoe had grabbed my arms or something, I dunno. I opened them and it was like I woke up or something and she was standing right in front of me. She's got big blue doe eyes and blonde hair and she dresses like Madonna in the 80s. Love her. So she's right in front of me and it startled me so I gasped. And then I had to kinda shake myself to bring myself back to...whatever. I so I kinda stood there shaking my head and looking into her eyes and she's still holding on to me. And she's all, "When you sing..." and I'm still staring at her still eager to hear her say something. And she starts speaking over me. This kind of thing would have probably made me weep like a year ago. And as I stood there in newly found strength I took it all in. I took it in as the new me. It was confirmation. It didn't produce a sense of longing or doubt or pain. It was, "Yes, Kristin, this IS the way. Walk in it."

And the rest of what she said is between me, her and God. I know enough now to not tell all this stuff. But it was enough to hear what she said, to know that things happened last night because I let that caged bird out. I let her fly last night. God, it felt good. GOD, it felt good. I love that bird. I love that gift. It's like I minister to my own freaking self when I sing. How is that even possible? Does that happen to painters? Does that happen to accountants? I feel the pulse of the very heart of God when I let air pass over my vocal chords. What is that? WHAT IS THAT? I feel like cussing right now out of joy! HAHAHAHAHA! I just don't have words to express how I feel so explicitives are all I can't think of. I can be who I am created to be! I can be her! I just have to let her run. I have to let her play. I have to let her dance. She's in there. She's still in there. All my years of killing her and neglecting her and sabatoging her cannot keep her down because it is God who did this. It is God who made me. Nothing I've done or will do can separate me from who I am in Christ.

What nonsense is this?

Well, I started to relay to Zoe my struggle right now and she basically told me the very thing that I had already concluded. That it doesn't matter the platform, I need to sing. So if that just means that right now all I do is in my house...it doesn't matter. It shifts my environment...it shifts the environment around me and soundwaves carry. So as I walk in faith, even in my own house, even if that is all that there is. Even if I just record for myself...I have to start walking it out...THANK GOD for Zoe and for using her to speak his heart over me.

WHEW!