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It's 10:48 and I have been at work for only 48 minutes. This week I am setting my own schedule, by the grace of God. That is grace indeed. I set it last week and was extremely thankful this morning for that extra hour of sleep and the lessened traffic. Still the same car problems the entire way here BUT the rest of the week I will be on the Vespa (hoping the weather stays in the 80s). Well, the new freedom in the work schedule IS indicator of things to come and when I walked Maguy outside this morning to pee there was a penny on the step...that is SURE sign that God has provision financially coming. That may seem trivial but every time I find money (which is so frequent) I've made a pact with God that I will take that as his sign that he knows I need money and a promise that he is bringing more.

I don't know when I am going to surrender. What is with my trust issues? I seriously do not trust God. I trust my own wisdom over his. That's despicable and disgusting. I, a created being, crying out for the heart of my father do not trust him or what he tells me to do. He is gracious enough and loving enough to come to me and talk to me when I ask him and what he says to me I consider too much to bear and too hard to obey. I don't feel a sense of shame or condemnation about it but I do feel very sad and disappointed with myself. I feel sick in my heart that I am being disobedient. My heart feels ill. I want more than anything to obey. I want my longings to go away or to submit to the will of Christ. I asked for his opinion and his way and he gave it to me and I turned around and said, "This is too much for me." I don't like this about myself and I'm just being honest.

I am back on facebook right now. My face just got all tingly cause now it's 11:01am and apparently that's a good time to cry. I sometimes wonder why God created me with such a strong will. Why? Why am I made of iron? Why??? haha...as I'm writing a vision I had is becoming clearer. anyhoo...not the time to relay it right now. But he knows I'm made of iron...he does. I'm just failing to understand why I was created that way? If and when my desires conflict with his desires and directions, it is me who must give. It is me who must bend. It is me who must move. That's easy for a piece of linen. God's breath comes in and it blows right through the linen. I see so many people who are linen around me. They flow and move with God with such ease. It's easy for flowers and paper...I guess not all things are easily moved. BUT iron? Iron is probably one of the hardest things to bend, right? It just seems to me that it goes against my constitution. How does iron bend? How do I make way and do what God told me to do?

Alright well I'm sure there will be more thoughts later today as I am stuck here until 6:30pm. Church tonight though and I am expecting God to show up. I am expecting God to show me how to do this. I am expecting words of encouragement and prophetic words. I am expecting to minister and see people healed and for God to speak through me to others.

That just reminded me. Sunday, I prayed with a brother and God cared enough to heal his sore throat. Isn't that amazing? God cares about sore throats! Most times it's just like...should I really ask for prayer for this? SURE! If it bothers you, it bothers him. So I was thankful for that testimony. So very thankful.