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Careful what you call others, you end up being that.

Not too long ago I was saddened that a girl I knew seemed to be having a difficult time with people in the church and she lashed out and was calling them names on facebook. That's okay. Better to not do that, but okay. We're all where we are in life.

Last night I made the decision to stay home. I weighed it like this...I struggle with drinking especially when I am around new people. Drunk people make me want to drink when I have no secure relationships in the room. Given that I didn't really know the person who invited me, the traffic situation, and parking sitch...the factors were adding up. Also, there just isn't money for it. My paycheck wasn't processed at work yesterday so I can't be paying for valet (nevermind the fact that my car dies at every stoplight) and entrance into the show, etc. So it was a no. I have won the battle over alcohol and the only battle to fight is staying aware of my propensity for it.

I'd love to be invited to something that makes me feel safe and loved. I hear of people playing mafia and having girl's nights. But I don't get invited to those. I have my assumptions why. But whatever. I'm not invited and I'm not going to force my way into a social network. And I'm not going to conform to be the person that fits a mold that is the standard for girls in this church's culture to live by. I live by my values and relationship with Jesus alone.

So it was hurtful to see that I was being made fun of today (by the same girl who was calling others names) because I said I couldn't go. Mind you, no one has taken the time to get to know me and know that my struggle has been alcohol and that inviting me to an event that is alcohol based and then ridiculing me for not coming is rather cruel. And that's simply not God. Makes me not want to fellowship with these people. But then that's not God either. I'm just being honest.

At least the thought of not being so lonely here in LA was a nice thought. Where is my lover? I know he'd understand.