.010

Wow. Ten already. Ten different days I've had something to say that I deemed worthwhile enough to write down.

ugh. today is ridiculous.
someday i might tell you about my gifting and you might say back to me
wow i want that
i'm so jealous
or other silly words
but trust me
this
comes at a great cost to me
to my person
the person I think I am
the one I made myself to me
not the real me
the real me would jump at the chance
to be involved in the personal history of another
and not think for one second what it cost her
or what it held in store for her
she is a giver
and i
i take
i could suck the life right out of you in 15 seconds flat
if i really wanted to
i could
cause i'm that gross inside
but that's just me
not the real me
the real me dances for joy and doesn't care who is watching
the real me gives her money away and away and away
trusting, oh so trusting
the real me would hug you and kiss you without a second thought
of it being weird or romantic or scary
and one day we might just find it being that
but the real me wouldn't think about that before she jumped
she just dives in and sinks
knowing there are hands to grab her and save her
cause she knows love
that casts out fear

That's how I feel today. Well some of it. I've got a God-directive. I made an agreement with the man upstairs and I, in my foolishness and selfishness, whine and complain and ask a load of questions that sound like a two-year-old. Why? Why? Why? Whine. Whine. Whine.

Gross.

Two are stronger than one. A chord of three strands cannot be easily broken. So mister, I'm standing by you. I know you don't know what transpired between me and God. I know you aren't even reading this blog. But...God cares about you THIS much! THIS MUCH! That he would ask another human being to seriously give of herself so that you might live. I think that God is simply AMAZING! he is. And he's not letting you go and he doesn't want me to back out of my commitment to see this through for you. That's some serious shit. That's haseed love, mister. That's stuff I've not really dealt in before. I'm not used to this. I'm not used to how much of myself has to die in order to let Christ live in and through me. That's just not normalcy for me. So I kinda new I was making a covenant when I said yes to God, but I didn't think it was going to be this tough. I didn't think I was going to change in the process. But man am i ever. And I'm happy for it...it's just like tougher than I thought.

That's all.