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haha. this is how it starts, you know? i start writing and i can't stop. it becomes my obsession. well hopefully some good nuggets will come of it and maybe Amy and I can finally work on that book. oh the book...it hangs there like attraction. you gotta do something about it, but do you dare?

so i'm just sitting here at work. totally bored. two more days of this nonsense. two more days. i mean it. i'm done. i mean it. why do you not believe me? God, give me strength. i want this to be over. i'm applying for a part-time temp job that could be good and if i can give music some muscle in this season maybe the walls will just break brittle. yeah, those walls. not made of much anyways.

it's those moments of boredom where warrior me has to rise up and conquer the voices. conquer the doubt. i feel the darkness creeping in. it's hanging on the outskirts of my mind waiting to be allowed an inch for the invasion. when am i going to be untemptable by it? when will it KNOW it has no dominion over me so it just won't even bother? the real issue is all this steam i have and how i channel it. i am what analogy you want to use here...i am waiting to explode. so all this energy has to go somewhere and i hate to admit that most of the time...it goes into repetitive actions which produce anxiety, strain and doubt.

fortunately, God knows that about me so his request yesterday is so grueling that it actually is meant to break that weakness of mine and get me into hearing his present word to me and responding immediately to what he is telling me to do, rather than living in the confines of normalcy and routine. routine kills you. seriously, it kills the real you. and through this stripping i am realising i am so dependent on him talking to me. i am so dependent on knowing second by second what he wants me to do. i've been trying to go it alone...no matter how much of me does surrender there is still this part that wants to hold on to my independence and make my own path and hope that he joins me on it.

when there is a path already paved and hedged-in waiting for me. ugh. surrender. why's it so freaking hard?