.005

There is this heartcry today. I wondered last night if I was grieving or if I am now living with an ulcer. I didn't sleep last night, well not much. Maybe a couple hours. The process I am going through is drudging up so much stuff in me and I'm finding it really difficult. Familiar pains. It's grief. I know him well. There is a part of me dying and the rest of me doesn't like it. The rest of me functions with that ligament or that limp or whatever part is has been for now. It might just be a tumor. Who knows but my self has grown accustomed to it and it's not happy about the process of expulsion. I feel horribly sad. I feel like bursting into tears at any moment and I do. Same thing as when Dad was passing...that's why I know it's grief.

Fortunately, God isn't silent and he's been speaking to me about new wineskins and the old passing so the new can come. Doesn't make the process any different. But I think I am determined to give praise in this time...to rejoice. I've always just given into despair during grief. But something shifted in me since Dad's death. There really is reason to give thanks in all things. I can't comprehend it fully but all I know is as I give praise it almost quickens the process. And it is a commandment, to give thanks. So that is becoming my focus.

The thing I am struggling with most is obedience. The things God has told me to do are far above my present willingness to surrender. It is really fear based. I can see that now. I fear letting go because I have bought the lie that my way is higher or that I need to do the things I am doing in order to function. The truth is I do not need those things or he would not have instructed me to obey his way. ripppppppppp...the lie further separates from my chest. gah, i feel like screaming.