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I'm kind of disgusted with myself.

Last night I dogsat. I swear to Jesus that I have an amazing life. The fact that I can sit in a house and watch TV and read a book and get paid for it is pretty unthinkable. It's sad that they don't have a piano cause then I could say that I was getting paid to play the piano. Hardy har.

Anyhoo...I was re-reading the Final Quest. That book just doesn't get old. It's profound. And depending on where you are in your maturity and growth, it hits you in new ways each time. I decided to start re-reading the book because I was "honoring the point" of another. And it was a good point. God clearly has a lot he wants to say to me through this book in this season of my life. I imagine it'll be that way throughout life...I'll pick that book back up and sigh, "Ahhh, that's so me!"

I'm disgusted because of my self-focus, rather than God-focus. Must all of life be such a struggle to get outside our own self-awareness and start living from a higher place? Anything worthy and meaningful is at a cost. The truths are so basic yet in our quest for God's glory, I've found that I forget it is his glory I am living for. It is simply that that I am praying for. I miss it. I miss the mark so frequently.

When God tells me something is coming my way, I get this self-focused perspective that it is meant for me and for my enjoyment. And while I know it is God's heart to make me happy, really his ultimate goal is his own glory. Take me way back to John Piper 101...God is a hedonist. If he weren't he'd be worshipping something else, and not be God. So if through a prophetic word I am told something, my joy must be found not in the gain that will happen for myself, but in the heart of God that through the fulfillment of that word, he will get more glory and honor. If he made me for singing, it's for him. How does such a simple concept get twisted so easily?

Let me be more specific. I never go here, but today I'm going to risk the vulnerability and do it. I want to be married. I don't know too many women who don't have that desire. That desire, any words or promptings of the Spirit about that desire and the fulfillment of that desire are FOR HIS SAKE. Simply. God will partner me with someone who is great with me because it will benefit God. Through it benefitting God, it will bless us both. I'm so looking forward to it. It will be a great honor to love someone and to receive love from someone. It will honor God to make those sacrifices and to work for his purposes to be manifested here on earth.

The trap I usually fall into in this area is like vomiting all over myself. I wonder why God hasn't brought him yet. I think about a million things that are just dumb. But the answer to all of my musings is: it's because this is the way to his highest glory. This is how God gets the most out of my life. If I had a husband any of the last years of my life, God would have gotten less glory than he did in those seasons of my life. In this present season, he is getting the most he can from me through my singleness. What freedom! That's so wonderfully exciting.

In the same manner, God is getting the most out of me and through me as I press through the muck and mire of working at Disney as he asks me to cut back and start working on music...to start trusting him more and not be afraid of man. He met me huge yesterday as I told my bosses I could not come in full-time and they conceded to give me any schedule I wanted. I name it, it's mine. That's so God. That's partnering with God! He's going to get more out of my life now! I'm so happy about that!

Well anyways, I wanted to also say that God gave me so many dreams last night. Something about children in India...hahaha...I think I know what that is. And I woke with peace and joy. I am enjoying not being on facebook as I am seeing God change me quickly for the next things. He is good!