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On my way to work this morning I was thinking about how I would be blogging away today in order to be productive and really start catching my thoughts instead of letting them fly away into the ethereal abyss. I was recounting the Sunday just past and formulating phrases that would probably impress a few people with my brief moments of articulation. Alas, my morning has been derailed. The desk I am at at the less-than-happiest-place-on-Earth is sans internet. What a thought. Being unable to connect to the virtual world actually renders you completely useless and worthless when your entire universe requires connectivity. Almost unthinkable that so much of life is built around access to networks and servers and whatever…not like I really know what I’m talking about. But the fact that I can’t even access a list of phone numbers unless my internet connection works is frankly ridiculous. I’m glad we’re saving paper and all, but seriously…

Two hours of life passed waiting for the issue to be resolved. I am reconnected to the world. I feel useful and productive and lame. Makes me want to just go for a good hike or run naked into the ocean or something. I hate how much the electronic age is interfering with just the normalcy of existence and relationship and that honest, look-you-in-the-eye and tell you I love you-ness that been dowsed by the waters of efficiency and productivity. Gag.

Yesterday. Sunday. Barely made it to church...which for me is looks like 9:30 I start doubting that I really want to go and Holy Spirit starts knocking louder and reassuring me that there is something waiting me and just for me and to press through. But that's just it. I'm so tired of pressing through that it's starting to bother me. Okay so my muscles are getting bigger and I'm learning my own weaknesses and God's ability to pretty much just thrash any dumb idea that I have or that has wandered its way into my image center. But for some reason, I'm not happier with just big muscles. I want the prize...I want the thing I've been training for. I want the promise. In timely fashion, Hebrews 6:12 was covered yesterday and it was a reminder. Faith and patience to inherit the promises. If you don't remain in them, don't be pissed things don't come about. Faith and patience. It's in the Word.

That means staying the course for an indefinite amount of time and pretty much dealing with a barrage of storms, earthquakes and bankruptcies before God finally breaks in and says, "See I told you so." He's like that. Not in a mean way but seriously like innocent and full of love. "See I told you so." He loves telling us something and seeing us believe and then giving us the thing we believed for. He does. I know that side of him. I love that side of him.

So the first part of the service was bad for me. When I can't engage in worship, can't sing, can't praise, can't dance...something is maligned and needs serious adjustment. I sat most of worship. Numb. I knew a couple people noticed. But I even went to the back and sat amongst people that I didn't even know so that I could avoid further attention. I put up with off-key singing and everything. When you're not singing, you're forced to listen to others. Unless I'm next to some of my favorite singers, I'm usually miserable if I'm not singing. I was so numb the off-key stuff wasn't totally annoying me. Yeah for not wanting to knock her out because she can't sing. No one in that section really seemed to have much joy either so I felt in good company. At least we were of one accord.

Hey raise your hand if you need some prayer for whatever it was they were saying. So I stood. Yeah, yeah. Jaded, cynical me. Okay no one is coming...and as I put my hand donwn there "someone" was to pray. Okay, that's nice. But no change. Just numb. Then someone else came and started prophesying over me to not give up hope. Yep...there it was. That's the ice pic. I began to cry and to my surprise, he began to cry with me. I cried, he cried. Then I got control of myself and I was okay. And the last thing he said was DANCE!

Well sure enough, Colin decides to put on some music for offering time. And he's all, "It's a secular song cause God touches everyone so come on up and dance." Yeah. Why not? In my heels on a slippery floor, I danced. I danced...and it kinda turned into a little moshy pit. So much fun. We just rocked out for the whole song and then returned to our seats like the non-religious freaks that we are and continued on.

Good message from a couple visiting from Bethel. Thank GOD! and the rest of the day I'll just leave unwritten. I seriously had so many people pray over me that I'm not sure I can count. Tons of encouragement. Tons. I felt good going home. I slept good. I prayed in intercession this morning to secular music cause I felt God in it. I enjoyed the mountains on the drive.

But the battle rages on. The pain is there and I want it gone. I am in the last push and it is grueling. I am having to stand up against the past, the barrage of lies that rip my sides open and only look into the face of Jesus. Only hear what he whispers to me. To count all the rest lost...to count all the rest, especially reason as lies. Because I know my savior's voice and I know I heard him. So I buckle down, I bear down and I'm pressing in.