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I'm not sure what is reliable or trustworthy anymore.

This morning I had a mountaintop experience with God. We were sailing in the book of Esther and I could see it all.

A few hours later, I was in borderline near panic mode. That's not panic mode. And it's not near panic mode. It's on the border of the near panic. I felt it welling in my chest. When you've been on the mountain and experienced such joy and freedom, I think you realise all the deception and twisting so much more. So I noticed.

A few hours after that I booked worked for Monday. So the pain subsided a little, about work at least.

A few hours more and I realised I did not book myself union, which I SHOULD have. So...I'm making minimum wage...but still those days are hard because you know others are making more and you could be too. Back to the hole in my chest. I am not working for money anymore so I will not complain. I am thankful for the opportunity to be on set. Really, I am.

And that was just the rundown on the job front. I have hit the floor and pounded it with my fists a couple times today as well out of frustration with God and man. How can I really be frustrated with God? He is perfect. But yes...I am missing someone. And it appears they really don't care because that person has walked out of my life. I mean, I said I was walking out first...he just followed through on it before I had the guts to. And it hurt. It still does. So I've been really upset at odd moments today about that too.

You'd think after 6 months of talking to someone you'd want to just offer an apology (especially after it's been asked for) or try to work things out. 6 months of talking...and I'd say that 4.5 of those months were everyday. How do you just turn that off? I can't. Maybe in time I will. But um, yeah. I miss him. I don't miss the hurtful part (which all just stems from uncertainty and my fears and his fears(?) cause I at least figure he's attracted too). I could do without the hurt, the push/pull and the uncertainty. But I miss the good stuff...the core of who he is. It'll get better soon, I'm sure. Well, I hope.

I've got no money. No job. And I've resolved to no longer work for money, but to only do what I think is right. That's crazy. CRAZY! I am sure I won't be able to get unemployment for the week I just had off...but I'm hoping God comes through HUGE somehow.

Got my hair done. It is very high maintenance now and red/brown and short. I warned Drea that that is EXACTLY why I haven't gone to see anyone in 4 years and then chops it all off. Not happy. I can't figure out how to style it either. It is too hard to do by myself.

I'm hoping money comes in soon. I am running out of food for Maguy. My puppy needs to eat.

So this is me, God's daughter, saying: I still have nothing figured out. I still don't know how to live out my dreams. I don't know how to make progress in ANY area of life. I feel sad about my dad tonight and about the man I've cared for for 6 months. Sigh...night.