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Quinze.

I've been begging God to allow me breakthrough in ANY area really. I am a highly focused individual. Highly focused and committed. You show me something and I'm clear about it and I'm all in. I go for it. I'm obsessed until it is done.

Not a good thing when it comes to relationships. Not a good thing.

Also, not a good thing when pretty much anything you were made to do or called to do is dependent on breakthrough and there are walls everywhere in my life. So I am kind of just stuck. Really. I feel imprisoned still. Like I just can't get traction to go anywhere. Left, right, up or down? What the heck am I supposed to be doing with my time? I feel like a caged animal who has gone around the room about a gazillion times and has looked and looked for a way out. I've pressed on every brick in the place. I've knocked for hollow places. I've pulled myself up to peer out the window by the bars and can see the outside. I can see what's waiting me. I just can't get there. I don't know how to get out of this cell.

Rent is due in a week again. It's now $1205.10. What am I doing paying that much if I don't have a job and don't have any sort of ministry or purpose in this town? Honestly. Let's be serious here. Moving is not easy. And I'm realising it gets tougher the older you get. You really do settle into your ways and become a bit complacent about there being any hope left at all out there.

It's way beyond just me scampering about trying to look for a way out, trying to get to my purpose. I don't even feel released. I feel like God is just telling me to wait and be still. I am disgusted that I can't keep my focus on him. That I keep thinking about the future promised me. Why can't I be one of those persons who lives for today? That is the motto I've believed in all my life...and I've never really achieved it. I'm always looking ahead. Looking beyond. I want to enjoy God now. I want to be present with him now. I don't want to think about the things he's shown me will be. But I want to start to enjoy the things that are now...even though there isn't much in this cave/cage with me. He's here. I want so desperately...so so badly to just focus on him and that be enough for me. To seriously not compare myself with others and to really honestly be free from the pressure to perform. Where does that come from? From inside myself or without? I am unsure.

Sigh.