.014

admittedly, this numeric system is getting a little blase. (darn mac's don't have the same ALT+ options so that you can make foreign words easily.) yet...i am committed to it for a while longer. perhaps it is appropriate for these entries are like stepping stones in my heart. step 13...rough spot. but it led to 14 and fourteen is always a good number.

okay so i got that love/hate thing out of my system. got the absolute frustration of wanting something but not being able to have it temper-tantrum just out and on the table. got it out. let it flow, let it go. and you know what? like someone told me Saturday night (only knowing that I had snapped, not the specifics)...it's a good place for me to be. and as i listened, i agreed. it was. i had peace about being angry. i had peace about cussing my heart out. i had peace. it wasn't like that old condemnation bug haunting me telling me how bad i am or how little my faith is. it was just like a big dad sitting a bit off waiting for it to be over. not judging me or asking for me to be other than i am. but just giving my emotions validity.

it is a gift of life to be able to experience such a wonderous range of emotions. it is something unique to us. and i love them. i love them dearly. i love that i can feel. you know people cut themselves so they can feel. some people are so numb to life. not me. i feel. i feel it all. and i am embracing that sensitivity. i am so sensitive. i am delicate. just trying to protect myself with this hard shell. i want her to survive undamaged from all the assaults...but so many arrows get through. not such a tough shell afterall, especially when someone has broken through. i really have no defenses if i already let you into my heart.

some moments you don't want to share. some moments you just want to snuggle in your brain and curl up with in a warm blankety embrace. "love you. thanks for coming. i can't even believe you're here." i had lots of those moments over the weekend. lots of God moments. moments where God just stepped in from the sidelines and grabbed me with both hands on both arms and just looked me dead-on in the face. straight on in the eyes. and spoke so clearly with such loving-tenderness that the soft, tender kid in me knew she was safe. then he snuggled me up in his arms. and i was okay to relax. i was so okay to relax, i spent most of the weekend really sick. i suppose it's appropriate. you let go, you let love in and all the junk has to go. it has to be let out. seems quite a propos. (another french term needing an accent.)

so anyways. i thank God for the precious gift of my husband. thank you God so much. thank you. i can't wait to snuggle up next to him and fall asleep on his chest and pinch him to see if he's really there. after all this time...