Okay one more post tonight. goll i'm wordy.
okay i'm fairly sure the bachelor just totally lied and tricked us into believing all that "hi i'm jason mesnick and i've changed my mind suddenly" crap.
but let's say he really did and it wasn't in his contract to have to do that to one of the girls.
maybe the break from molly really helped him and her discover that those feelings aren't going away.
okay so i've been here before with this one. the guy that is. the longest we've not talked at all is 13 days. and i was miserable. MISERABLE. it's not like we're talking now at all. so however long it goes, i guess it'll be good. it'll be good to see where God takes me. and where God takes him. and if those people are still compatible or more compatible or whatnot.
but this time it's different. we're both blind now. we don't have that stupid social networking thing to keep us in contact and keep us pseudo involved in each other's lives. there is no clever way of coming back into his life or he into mine. it'll have to be intentional.
that's all.
Friday, March 6, 2009
.0161
I also wanted to say these things:
I'm good at googling. I can find ancient articles and pictures and blogs of other people. I wonder if anyone can find mine?
I enjoyed Jason Reeves on Sunday. I enjoyed drinking too much. I enjoyed the punishment of drinking too much for five hours on Monday morning. Yes, that is sadistic. And yes, I was punishing myself probably. But it did feel good to let go and cuddle with some friends on the couch at Sainte Rock. And was really blessed to have all my expenses paid.
I enjoyed Tuesday night at church. I didn't even feel condemnation about my overindulgence in alcohol. That's amazing. Even when my friend Joel said he wished I had reached out to him or Aileen for prayer, I didn't feel condemnation. That's great. Goodbye condemnation! I am so done with you.
Tuesday night was amazing. Especially the part where I started manifesting at the end of the service. Yodi was giving a testimony and she said, "You've got to close the door behind you so the one in front of you can open." Hence begins my third stint of birth pains I've had in my lifetime. My stomach tightened down and the only thing I wanted to do was get on the floor, spread my legs and push. Weirdest thing ever. But due to my pride and fear of man, I just got on my knees cause the pain was too intense to stand and put my head on the stage. THEN Shawn Bolz calls the ministry team into action. I'm not sure I can get up. But I do and I start praying over people. Still having contractions. Caught the eye of Mr. Actor-I'm Also From Nashville-Cutey who was watching me and wanted to shoot myself for dishonoring God in that moment. People were falling all around me. Yodi was covered in sweat and half looked like she was foaming at the mouth. It was pandemonium.
I realise I can no longer minister and I sit down. I see people staring at me like come pray for me, but I couldn't. So Aileen passes by and I grab her and tell her what is happening. Fast forward 30 minutes. We're outside now in the parking lot. Yodi has just prayed over Aileen and I am having contractions still but unwilling to make a fool of myself. I hear Aileen start yelling and praying in tongues. So I go over to her and I crouch down in the same corner and yep, I began. What a site. Seriously. At one point I swore I was going to vomit and I was dry-heaving.
Then I met up with the peeps at Bob's Big Boy. Try being vegan there.
Wednesday is unexpected. Three hours of getting my hair done that I didn't wake up knowing was happening. And also, the deal is that for this $300+ hairdo...I have agreed to let my stylist-for-life live with me. But hey, I have a stylist. Hurry home cause Joel is picking me up for M. Ward. Who is M. Ward? I don't know. But he starts playing and guess what? I start having contractions again. Insane. You think it's about music? (Yeah two guys at expression tuesday told me it was about writing and the 2nd clarified it's about writing music.) then believe it or not, zooey deschanel takes the stage. weird. since it used to be that DAILY people would tell me I look like her.
next interesting thing is there was a guy in front of me who just passed out during the show. like he started falling forward and then falling backward. ok so I was praying in tongues because i was in labor, spiritual labor. then...even weirder yet...pair after pair in front of me turn around and leave during the concert. bizarre.
we went out to Toi Thai after. weird spiritual funk about that place. but amazing food. mmmmmm. still craving more.
can i say what a blessing that meal after meal (bob's and thai) were paid for this week? and not to mention two concerts? that's insanity.
thursday. boring. worked out.
friday. boring. blew money on hair products and whole foods.
and that i had to vent i don't know why. but i know that people are reading this or will read this. and will find that somehow this is significant. if only my future self.
kisses.
I'm good at googling. I can find ancient articles and pictures and blogs of other people. I wonder if anyone can find mine?
I enjoyed Jason Reeves on Sunday. I enjoyed drinking too much. I enjoyed the punishment of drinking too much for five hours on Monday morning. Yes, that is sadistic. And yes, I was punishing myself probably. But it did feel good to let go and cuddle with some friends on the couch at Sainte Rock. And was really blessed to have all my expenses paid.
I enjoyed Tuesday night at church. I didn't even feel condemnation about my overindulgence in alcohol. That's amazing. Even when my friend Joel said he wished I had reached out to him or Aileen for prayer, I didn't feel condemnation. That's great. Goodbye condemnation! I am so done with you.
Tuesday night was amazing. Especially the part where I started manifesting at the end of the service. Yodi was giving a testimony and she said, "You've got to close the door behind you so the one in front of you can open." Hence begins my third stint of birth pains I've had in my lifetime. My stomach tightened down and the only thing I wanted to do was get on the floor, spread my legs and push. Weirdest thing ever. But due to my pride and fear of man, I just got on my knees cause the pain was too intense to stand and put my head on the stage. THEN Shawn Bolz calls the ministry team into action. I'm not sure I can get up. But I do and I start praying over people. Still having contractions. Caught the eye of Mr. Actor-I'm Also From Nashville-Cutey who was watching me and wanted to shoot myself for dishonoring God in that moment. People were falling all around me. Yodi was covered in sweat and half looked like she was foaming at the mouth. It was pandemonium.
I realise I can no longer minister and I sit down. I see people staring at me like come pray for me, but I couldn't. So Aileen passes by and I grab her and tell her what is happening. Fast forward 30 minutes. We're outside now in the parking lot. Yodi has just prayed over Aileen and I am having contractions still but unwilling to make a fool of myself. I hear Aileen start yelling and praying in tongues. So I go over to her and I crouch down in the same corner and yep, I began. What a site. Seriously. At one point I swore I was going to vomit and I was dry-heaving.
Then I met up with the peeps at Bob's Big Boy. Try being vegan there.
Wednesday is unexpected. Three hours of getting my hair done that I didn't wake up knowing was happening. And also, the deal is that for this $300+ hairdo...I have agreed to let my stylist-for-life live with me. But hey, I have a stylist. Hurry home cause Joel is picking me up for M. Ward. Who is M. Ward? I don't know. But he starts playing and guess what? I start having contractions again. Insane. You think it's about music? (Yeah two guys at expression tuesday told me it was about writing and the 2nd clarified it's about writing music.) then believe it or not, zooey deschanel takes the stage. weird. since it used to be that DAILY people would tell me I look like her.
next interesting thing is there was a guy in front of me who just passed out during the show. like he started falling forward and then falling backward. ok so I was praying in tongues because i was in labor, spiritual labor. then...even weirder yet...pair after pair in front of me turn around and leave during the concert. bizarre.
we went out to Toi Thai after. weird spiritual funk about that place. but amazing food. mmmmmm. still craving more.
can i say what a blessing that meal after meal (bob's and thai) were paid for this week? and not to mention two concerts? that's insanity.
thursday. boring. worked out.
friday. boring. blew money on hair products and whole foods.
and that i had to vent i don't know why. but i know that people are reading this or will read this. and will find that somehow this is significant. if only my future self.
kisses.
.016
I'm not sure what is reliable or trustworthy anymore.
This morning I had a mountaintop experience with God. We were sailing in the book of Esther and I could see it all.
A few hours later, I was in borderline near panic mode. That's not panic mode. And it's not near panic mode. It's on the border of the near panic. I felt it welling in my chest. When you've been on the mountain and experienced such joy and freedom, I think you realise all the deception and twisting so much more. So I noticed.
A few hours after that I booked worked for Monday. So the pain subsided a little, about work at least.
A few hours more and I realised I did not book myself union, which I SHOULD have. So...I'm making minimum wage...but still those days are hard because you know others are making more and you could be too. Back to the hole in my chest. I am not working for money anymore so I will not complain. I am thankful for the opportunity to be on set. Really, I am.
And that was just the rundown on the job front. I have hit the floor and pounded it with my fists a couple times today as well out of frustration with God and man. How can I really be frustrated with God? He is perfect. But yes...I am missing someone. And it appears they really don't care because that person has walked out of my life. I mean, I said I was walking out first...he just followed through on it before I had the guts to. And it hurt. It still does. So I've been really upset at odd moments today about that too.
You'd think after 6 months of talking to someone you'd want to just offer an apology (especially after it's been asked for) or try to work things out. 6 months of talking...and I'd say that 4.5 of those months were everyday. How do you just turn that off? I can't. Maybe in time I will. But um, yeah. I miss him. I don't miss the hurtful part (which all just stems from uncertainty and my fears and his fears(?) cause I at least figure he's attracted too). I could do without the hurt, the push/pull and the uncertainty. But I miss the good stuff...the core of who he is. It'll get better soon, I'm sure. Well, I hope.
I've got no money. No job. And I've resolved to no longer work for money, but to only do what I think is right. That's crazy. CRAZY! I am sure I won't be able to get unemployment for the week I just had off...but I'm hoping God comes through HUGE somehow.
Got my hair done. It is very high maintenance now and red/brown and short. I warned Drea that that is EXACTLY why I haven't gone to see anyone in 4 years and then chops it all off. Not happy. I can't figure out how to style it either. It is too hard to do by myself.
I'm hoping money comes in soon. I am running out of food for Maguy. My puppy needs to eat.
So this is me, God's daughter, saying: I still have nothing figured out. I still don't know how to live out my dreams. I don't know how to make progress in ANY area of life. I feel sad about my dad tonight and about the man I've cared for for 6 months. Sigh...night.
This morning I had a mountaintop experience with God. We were sailing in the book of Esther and I could see it all.
A few hours later, I was in borderline near panic mode. That's not panic mode. And it's not near panic mode. It's on the border of the near panic. I felt it welling in my chest. When you've been on the mountain and experienced such joy and freedom, I think you realise all the deception and twisting so much more. So I noticed.
A few hours after that I booked worked for Monday. So the pain subsided a little, about work at least.
A few hours more and I realised I did not book myself union, which I SHOULD have. So...I'm making minimum wage...but still those days are hard because you know others are making more and you could be too. Back to the hole in my chest. I am not working for money anymore so I will not complain. I am thankful for the opportunity to be on set. Really, I am.
And that was just the rundown on the job front. I have hit the floor and pounded it with my fists a couple times today as well out of frustration with God and man. How can I really be frustrated with God? He is perfect. But yes...I am missing someone. And it appears they really don't care because that person has walked out of my life. I mean, I said I was walking out first...he just followed through on it before I had the guts to. And it hurt. It still does. So I've been really upset at odd moments today about that too.
You'd think after 6 months of talking to someone you'd want to just offer an apology (especially after it's been asked for) or try to work things out. 6 months of talking...and I'd say that 4.5 of those months were everyday. How do you just turn that off? I can't. Maybe in time I will. But um, yeah. I miss him. I don't miss the hurtful part (which all just stems from uncertainty and my fears and his fears(?) cause I at least figure he's attracted too). I could do without the hurt, the push/pull and the uncertainty. But I miss the good stuff...the core of who he is. It'll get better soon, I'm sure. Well, I hope.
I've got no money. No job. And I've resolved to no longer work for money, but to only do what I think is right. That's crazy. CRAZY! I am sure I won't be able to get unemployment for the week I just had off...but I'm hoping God comes through HUGE somehow.
Got my hair done. It is very high maintenance now and red/brown and short. I warned Drea that that is EXACTLY why I haven't gone to see anyone in 4 years and then chops it all off. Not happy. I can't figure out how to style it either. It is too hard to do by myself.
I'm hoping money comes in soon. I am running out of food for Maguy. My puppy needs to eat.
So this is me, God's daughter, saying: I still have nothing figured out. I still don't know how to live out my dreams. I don't know how to make progress in ANY area of life. I feel sad about my dad tonight and about the man I've cared for for 6 months. Sigh...night.
Friday, February 20, 2009
.015
Quinze.
I've been begging God to allow me breakthrough in ANY area really. I am a highly focused individual. Highly focused and committed. You show me something and I'm clear about it and I'm all in. I go for it. I'm obsessed until it is done.
Not a good thing when it comes to relationships. Not a good thing.
Also, not a good thing when pretty much anything you were made to do or called to do is dependent on breakthrough and there are walls everywhere in my life. So I am kind of just stuck. Really. I feel imprisoned still. Like I just can't get traction to go anywhere. Left, right, up or down? What the heck am I supposed to be doing with my time? I feel like a caged animal who has gone around the room about a gazillion times and has looked and looked for a way out. I've pressed on every brick in the place. I've knocked for hollow places. I've pulled myself up to peer out the window by the bars and can see the outside. I can see what's waiting me. I just can't get there. I don't know how to get out of this cell.
Rent is due in a week again. It's now $1205.10. What am I doing paying that much if I don't have a job and don't have any sort of ministry or purpose in this town? Honestly. Let's be serious here. Moving is not easy. And I'm realising it gets tougher the older you get. You really do settle into your ways and become a bit complacent about there being any hope left at all out there.
It's way beyond just me scampering about trying to look for a way out, trying to get to my purpose. I don't even feel released. I feel like God is just telling me to wait and be still. I am disgusted that I can't keep my focus on him. That I keep thinking about the future promised me. Why can't I be one of those persons who lives for today? That is the motto I've believed in all my life...and I've never really achieved it. I'm always looking ahead. Looking beyond. I want to enjoy God now. I want to be present with him now. I don't want to think about the things he's shown me will be. But I want to start to enjoy the things that are now...even though there isn't much in this cave/cage with me. He's here. I want so desperately...so so badly to just focus on him and that be enough for me. To seriously not compare myself with others and to really honestly be free from the pressure to perform. Where does that come from? From inside myself or without? I am unsure.
Sigh.
I've been begging God to allow me breakthrough in ANY area really. I am a highly focused individual. Highly focused and committed. You show me something and I'm clear about it and I'm all in. I go for it. I'm obsessed until it is done.
Not a good thing when it comes to relationships. Not a good thing.
Also, not a good thing when pretty much anything you were made to do or called to do is dependent on breakthrough and there are walls everywhere in my life. So I am kind of just stuck. Really. I feel imprisoned still. Like I just can't get traction to go anywhere. Left, right, up or down? What the heck am I supposed to be doing with my time? I feel like a caged animal who has gone around the room about a gazillion times and has looked and looked for a way out. I've pressed on every brick in the place. I've knocked for hollow places. I've pulled myself up to peer out the window by the bars and can see the outside. I can see what's waiting me. I just can't get there. I don't know how to get out of this cell.
Rent is due in a week again. It's now $1205.10. What am I doing paying that much if I don't have a job and don't have any sort of ministry or purpose in this town? Honestly. Let's be serious here. Moving is not easy. And I'm realising it gets tougher the older you get. You really do settle into your ways and become a bit complacent about there being any hope left at all out there.
It's way beyond just me scampering about trying to look for a way out, trying to get to my purpose. I don't even feel released. I feel like God is just telling me to wait and be still. I am disgusted that I can't keep my focus on him. That I keep thinking about the future promised me. Why can't I be one of those persons who lives for today? That is the motto I've believed in all my life...and I've never really achieved it. I'm always looking ahead. Looking beyond. I want to enjoy God now. I want to be present with him now. I don't want to think about the things he's shown me will be. But I want to start to enjoy the things that are now...even though there isn't much in this cave/cage with me. He's here. I want so desperately...so so badly to just focus on him and that be enough for me. To seriously not compare myself with others and to really honestly be free from the pressure to perform. Where does that come from? From inside myself or without? I am unsure.
Sigh.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
.014
admittedly, this numeric system is getting a little blase. (darn mac's don't have the same ALT+ options so that you can make foreign words easily.) yet...i am committed to it for a while longer. perhaps it is appropriate for these entries are like stepping stones in my heart. step 13...rough spot. but it led to 14 and fourteen is always a good number.
okay so i got that love/hate thing out of my system. got the absolute frustration of wanting something but not being able to have it temper-tantrum just out and on the table. got it out. let it flow, let it go. and you know what? like someone told me Saturday night (only knowing that I had snapped, not the specifics)...it's a good place for me to be. and as i listened, i agreed. it was. i had peace about being angry. i had peace about cussing my heart out. i had peace. it wasn't like that old condemnation bug haunting me telling me how bad i am or how little my faith is. it was just like a big dad sitting a bit off waiting for it to be over. not judging me or asking for me to be other than i am. but just giving my emotions validity.
it is a gift of life to be able to experience such a wonderous range of emotions. it is something unique to us. and i love them. i love them dearly. i love that i can feel. you know people cut themselves so they can feel. some people are so numb to life. not me. i feel. i feel it all. and i am embracing that sensitivity. i am so sensitive. i am delicate. just trying to protect myself with this hard shell. i want her to survive undamaged from all the assaults...but so many arrows get through. not such a tough shell afterall, especially when someone has broken through. i really have no defenses if i already let you into my heart.
some moments you don't want to share. some moments you just want to snuggle in your brain and curl up with in a warm blankety embrace. "love you. thanks for coming. i can't even believe you're here." i had lots of those moments over the weekend. lots of God moments. moments where God just stepped in from the sidelines and grabbed me with both hands on both arms and just looked me dead-on in the face. straight on in the eyes. and spoke so clearly with such loving-tenderness that the soft, tender kid in me knew she was safe. then he snuggled me up in his arms. and i was okay to relax. i was so okay to relax, i spent most of the weekend really sick. i suppose it's appropriate. you let go, you let love in and all the junk has to go. it has to be let out. seems quite a propos. (another french term needing an accent.)
so anyways. i thank God for the precious gift of my husband. thank you God so much. thank you. i can't wait to snuggle up next to him and fall asleep on his chest and pinch him to see if he's really there. after all this time...
okay so i got that love/hate thing out of my system. got the absolute frustration of wanting something but not being able to have it temper-tantrum just out and on the table. got it out. let it flow, let it go. and you know what? like someone told me Saturday night (only knowing that I had snapped, not the specifics)...it's a good place for me to be. and as i listened, i agreed. it was. i had peace about being angry. i had peace about cussing my heart out. i had peace. it wasn't like that old condemnation bug haunting me telling me how bad i am or how little my faith is. it was just like a big dad sitting a bit off waiting for it to be over. not judging me or asking for me to be other than i am. but just giving my emotions validity.
it is a gift of life to be able to experience such a wonderous range of emotions. it is something unique to us. and i love them. i love them dearly. i love that i can feel. you know people cut themselves so they can feel. some people are so numb to life. not me. i feel. i feel it all. and i am embracing that sensitivity. i am so sensitive. i am delicate. just trying to protect myself with this hard shell. i want her to survive undamaged from all the assaults...but so many arrows get through. not such a tough shell afterall, especially when someone has broken through. i really have no defenses if i already let you into my heart.
some moments you don't want to share. some moments you just want to snuggle in your brain and curl up with in a warm blankety embrace. "love you. thanks for coming. i can't even believe you're here." i had lots of those moments over the weekend. lots of God moments. moments where God just stepped in from the sidelines and grabbed me with both hands on both arms and just looked me dead-on in the face. straight on in the eyes. and spoke so clearly with such loving-tenderness that the soft, tender kid in me knew she was safe. then he snuggled me up in his arms. and i was okay to relax. i was so okay to relax, i spent most of the weekend really sick. i suppose it's appropriate. you let go, you let love in and all the junk has to go. it has to be let out. seems quite a propos. (another french term needing an accent.)
so anyways. i thank God for the precious gift of my husband. thank you God so much. thank you. i can't wait to snuggle up next to him and fall asleep on his chest and pinch him to see if he's really there. after all this time...
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
.013
Thirteen is bound to be a depressing post. why wouldn't it be? it's the number 13.
today i am having a crisis of faith.
i am in a horrific mood.
a man's tire was burning next to me on the freeway as i came into work at hell today. then his tire fell off.
i don't know what my faith is made of.
if it's just wrapped up in promises that never come to be. my faith is an effing joke. where is the joy for today? where is something going right just for once for fuck's sake?
i've lived on the expectancy of the grace of God for so long and have found myself in a pit of hatred for every bit of my life. except my dog.
i'm also suffering from PMS.
i feel postal.
a shooting range or other cathartic event is needed right now. TaeKwonDo was always good for days of anger and rage.
today i am having a crisis of faith.
i am in a horrific mood.
a man's tire was burning next to me on the freeway as i came into work at hell today. then his tire fell off.
i don't know what my faith is made of.
if it's just wrapped up in promises that never come to be. my faith is an effing joke. where is the joy for today? where is something going right just for once for fuck's sake?
i've lived on the expectancy of the grace of God for so long and have found myself in a pit of hatred for every bit of my life. except my dog.
i'm also suffering from PMS.
i feel postal.
a shooting range or other cathartic event is needed right now. TaeKwonDo was always good for days of anger and rage.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
.012
oh honey, just get here already. figure it out. move to la. sigh.
today's been good. i think i'll be bartending soon at deniro's restaurant.
told colin today that i want to sing. getting bold about it.
still loving someone even though they don't talk to me. wonder if they think of me. wonder what God's saying to that person.
might have found a new roommate. she's sweet. and works at the same place i think i might bartend at.
can't wait to leave disney.
can't wait for my lover in this lifetime to come to me.
but i will wait. all good things come to those who wait.
and waiting is what i said i'd do.
i said i'd wait for him. i made a covenant with God about it.
i did.
today's been good. i think i'll be bartending soon at deniro's restaurant.
told colin today that i want to sing. getting bold about it.
still loving someone even though they don't talk to me. wonder if they think of me. wonder what God's saying to that person.
might have found a new roommate. she's sweet. and works at the same place i think i might bartend at.
can't wait to leave disney.
can't wait for my lover in this lifetime to come to me.
but i will wait. all good things come to those who wait.
and waiting is what i said i'd do.
i said i'd wait for him. i made a covenant with God about it.
i did.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
