Why the heck am i here? in general and in specific? The age old questions haunt me. I have no purpose. NONE.
Why do women who are unattractive by all worldly standards get married? What is wrong with me that men seem to run away from me like the plague?
Why doesn't God just take me now? Seriously. I've prayed and asked for that. Right now would be a perfect time, in fact. I am presently staying with a family of three who are caring enough to dispose of my body properly and would probably take care of my dog as well. I have nothing to live for. Why am I being kept around?
Why am I forced to listen day-in and day-out to stories by teenagers of their success and relationships when I at least a full decade older am single, unsuccessful and purposeless?
I am so sick of life. Please, please God...I don't want to live anymore. I am at the one place on earth that I thought would be lining up with my destiny and it is just more daggers in my heart. More pain. I am at Bethel and guess what...no one here sees me. No one believes in me. No one.
I am so tired of waiting for something to happen. Truth is...it never will. I have no children. I have no spouse. I have no home. My life is worthless and meaningless. I hope tonight is my last night on earth. Please.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
.018
Just took that pic 30 seconds ago. we are okay to proceed.
i removed the painting from the kitchen and put it in the music corner now. so here we are. ready to do it up.
got back from Redding Monday the 23rd. I left on the 18th. Best weekend ever. I hope I have more.
Anyhoo...this is Kristin writing to say she still loves someone. But love redefined. Love doesn't mean the things I was giving into. Love looks different than I expected. I still love...I just can't continue to give out without receiving anything in return. So I await a hot chase, a crazy pursuit. I want a good story. Doesn't mean I don't love...I really do...I just can't talk to him until he can give me what I need. And if he doesn't...time will help me move on. But for now...my feelings aren't changing. I don't know what that is...but anyhoo...a lot shifted in me this weekend and I am happier for it.
I passed my motorcycle test today. I now have a motorcycle license. Who would have ever thought that? I actually have no clue how to drive a motorcycle but that's okay...haha. I was able to help some guy pass his test which he had taken several times. He was on a 650 and couldn't pass it on that thing. So I let him ride my bike. He passed like a breeze. The guy who was monitoring wasn't even watching once he got on my Vespa. hilarious. I guess he knew if he could almost pass on a 650 a 150 would be a breeze and it was for him. I was shaking and barely inside the lines. haaha.
Well...God is good and today is a great day. I am still praying for breakthrough and waiting on his promises but things have shifted so much inside of me that I know it is not far off. He's so good. How can life not be amazing!??!
Sunday, March 8, 2009
.017
...which reminds me...i am planning for leaving for San Francisco/ Redding on the 17th. I don't know what I will find there. All i know is I feel the pull. I hope it grows stronger and I get some confirmation.
Hair done.
Headshots done.
Things are happening at warp speed.
Amen.
(oh and that photo is just a fun one...it was not even included in the finals.)
Friday, March 6, 2009
.0167
Okay one more post tonight. goll i'm wordy.
okay i'm fairly sure the bachelor just totally lied and tricked us into believing all that "hi i'm jason mesnick and i've changed my mind suddenly" crap.
but let's say he really did and it wasn't in his contract to have to do that to one of the girls.
maybe the break from molly really helped him and her discover that those feelings aren't going away.
okay so i've been here before with this one. the guy that is. the longest we've not talked at all is 13 days. and i was miserable. MISERABLE. it's not like we're talking now at all. so however long it goes, i guess it'll be good. it'll be good to see where God takes me. and where God takes him. and if those people are still compatible or more compatible or whatnot.
but this time it's different. we're both blind now. we don't have that stupid social networking thing to keep us in contact and keep us pseudo involved in each other's lives. there is no clever way of coming back into his life or he into mine. it'll have to be intentional.
that's all.
okay i'm fairly sure the bachelor just totally lied and tricked us into believing all that "hi i'm jason mesnick and i've changed my mind suddenly" crap.
but let's say he really did and it wasn't in his contract to have to do that to one of the girls.
maybe the break from molly really helped him and her discover that those feelings aren't going away.
okay so i've been here before with this one. the guy that is. the longest we've not talked at all is 13 days. and i was miserable. MISERABLE. it's not like we're talking now at all. so however long it goes, i guess it'll be good. it'll be good to see where God takes me. and where God takes him. and if those people are still compatible or more compatible or whatnot.
but this time it's different. we're both blind now. we don't have that stupid social networking thing to keep us in contact and keep us pseudo involved in each other's lives. there is no clever way of coming back into his life or he into mine. it'll have to be intentional.
that's all.
.0161
I also wanted to say these things:
I'm good at googling. I can find ancient articles and pictures and blogs of other people. I wonder if anyone can find mine?
I enjoyed Jason Reeves on Sunday. I enjoyed drinking too much. I enjoyed the punishment of drinking too much for five hours on Monday morning. Yes, that is sadistic. And yes, I was punishing myself probably. But it did feel good to let go and cuddle with some friends on the couch at Sainte Rock. And was really blessed to have all my expenses paid.
I enjoyed Tuesday night at church. I didn't even feel condemnation about my overindulgence in alcohol. That's amazing. Even when my friend Joel said he wished I had reached out to him or Aileen for prayer, I didn't feel condemnation. That's great. Goodbye condemnation! I am so done with you.
Tuesday night was amazing. Especially the part where I started manifesting at the end of the service. Yodi was giving a testimony and she said, "You've got to close the door behind you so the one in front of you can open." Hence begins my third stint of birth pains I've had in my lifetime. My stomach tightened down and the only thing I wanted to do was get on the floor, spread my legs and push. Weirdest thing ever. But due to my pride and fear of man, I just got on my knees cause the pain was too intense to stand and put my head on the stage. THEN Shawn Bolz calls the ministry team into action. I'm not sure I can get up. But I do and I start praying over people. Still having contractions. Caught the eye of Mr. Actor-I'm Also From Nashville-Cutey who was watching me and wanted to shoot myself for dishonoring God in that moment. People were falling all around me. Yodi was covered in sweat and half looked like she was foaming at the mouth. It was pandemonium.
I realise I can no longer minister and I sit down. I see people staring at me like come pray for me, but I couldn't. So Aileen passes by and I grab her and tell her what is happening. Fast forward 30 minutes. We're outside now in the parking lot. Yodi has just prayed over Aileen and I am having contractions still but unwilling to make a fool of myself. I hear Aileen start yelling and praying in tongues. So I go over to her and I crouch down in the same corner and yep, I began. What a site. Seriously. At one point I swore I was going to vomit and I was dry-heaving.
Then I met up with the peeps at Bob's Big Boy. Try being vegan there.
Wednesday is unexpected. Three hours of getting my hair done that I didn't wake up knowing was happening. And also, the deal is that for this $300+ hairdo...I have agreed to let my stylist-for-life live with me. But hey, I have a stylist. Hurry home cause Joel is picking me up for M. Ward. Who is M. Ward? I don't know. But he starts playing and guess what? I start having contractions again. Insane. You think it's about music? (Yeah two guys at expression tuesday told me it was about writing and the 2nd clarified it's about writing music.) then believe it or not, zooey deschanel takes the stage. weird. since it used to be that DAILY people would tell me I look like her.
next interesting thing is there was a guy in front of me who just passed out during the show. like he started falling forward and then falling backward. ok so I was praying in tongues because i was in labor, spiritual labor. then...even weirder yet...pair after pair in front of me turn around and leave during the concert. bizarre.
we went out to Toi Thai after. weird spiritual funk about that place. but amazing food. mmmmmm. still craving more.
can i say what a blessing that meal after meal (bob's and thai) were paid for this week? and not to mention two concerts? that's insanity.
thursday. boring. worked out.
friday. boring. blew money on hair products and whole foods.
and that i had to vent i don't know why. but i know that people are reading this or will read this. and will find that somehow this is significant. if only my future self.
kisses.
I'm good at googling. I can find ancient articles and pictures and blogs of other people. I wonder if anyone can find mine?
I enjoyed Jason Reeves on Sunday. I enjoyed drinking too much. I enjoyed the punishment of drinking too much for five hours on Monday morning. Yes, that is sadistic. And yes, I was punishing myself probably. But it did feel good to let go and cuddle with some friends on the couch at Sainte Rock. And was really blessed to have all my expenses paid.
I enjoyed Tuesday night at church. I didn't even feel condemnation about my overindulgence in alcohol. That's amazing. Even when my friend Joel said he wished I had reached out to him or Aileen for prayer, I didn't feel condemnation. That's great. Goodbye condemnation! I am so done with you.
Tuesday night was amazing. Especially the part where I started manifesting at the end of the service. Yodi was giving a testimony and she said, "You've got to close the door behind you so the one in front of you can open." Hence begins my third stint of birth pains I've had in my lifetime. My stomach tightened down and the only thing I wanted to do was get on the floor, spread my legs and push. Weirdest thing ever. But due to my pride and fear of man, I just got on my knees cause the pain was too intense to stand and put my head on the stage. THEN Shawn Bolz calls the ministry team into action. I'm not sure I can get up. But I do and I start praying over people. Still having contractions. Caught the eye of Mr. Actor-I'm Also From Nashville-Cutey who was watching me and wanted to shoot myself for dishonoring God in that moment. People were falling all around me. Yodi was covered in sweat and half looked like she was foaming at the mouth. It was pandemonium.
I realise I can no longer minister and I sit down. I see people staring at me like come pray for me, but I couldn't. So Aileen passes by and I grab her and tell her what is happening. Fast forward 30 minutes. We're outside now in the parking lot. Yodi has just prayed over Aileen and I am having contractions still but unwilling to make a fool of myself. I hear Aileen start yelling and praying in tongues. So I go over to her and I crouch down in the same corner and yep, I began. What a site. Seriously. At one point I swore I was going to vomit and I was dry-heaving.
Then I met up with the peeps at Bob's Big Boy. Try being vegan there.
Wednesday is unexpected. Three hours of getting my hair done that I didn't wake up knowing was happening. And also, the deal is that for this $300+ hairdo...I have agreed to let my stylist-for-life live with me. But hey, I have a stylist. Hurry home cause Joel is picking me up for M. Ward. Who is M. Ward? I don't know. But he starts playing and guess what? I start having contractions again. Insane. You think it's about music? (Yeah two guys at expression tuesday told me it was about writing and the 2nd clarified it's about writing music.) then believe it or not, zooey deschanel takes the stage. weird. since it used to be that DAILY people would tell me I look like her.
next interesting thing is there was a guy in front of me who just passed out during the show. like he started falling forward and then falling backward. ok so I was praying in tongues because i was in labor, spiritual labor. then...even weirder yet...pair after pair in front of me turn around and leave during the concert. bizarre.
we went out to Toi Thai after. weird spiritual funk about that place. but amazing food. mmmmmm. still craving more.
can i say what a blessing that meal after meal (bob's and thai) were paid for this week? and not to mention two concerts? that's insanity.
thursday. boring. worked out.
friday. boring. blew money on hair products and whole foods.
and that i had to vent i don't know why. but i know that people are reading this or will read this. and will find that somehow this is significant. if only my future self.
kisses.
.016
I'm not sure what is reliable or trustworthy anymore.
This morning I had a mountaintop experience with God. We were sailing in the book of Esther and I could see it all.
A few hours later, I was in borderline near panic mode. That's not panic mode. And it's not near panic mode. It's on the border of the near panic. I felt it welling in my chest. When you've been on the mountain and experienced such joy and freedom, I think you realise all the deception and twisting so much more. So I noticed.
A few hours after that I booked worked for Monday. So the pain subsided a little, about work at least.
A few hours more and I realised I did not book myself union, which I SHOULD have. So...I'm making minimum wage...but still those days are hard because you know others are making more and you could be too. Back to the hole in my chest. I am not working for money anymore so I will not complain. I am thankful for the opportunity to be on set. Really, I am.
And that was just the rundown on the job front. I have hit the floor and pounded it with my fists a couple times today as well out of frustration with God and man. How can I really be frustrated with God? He is perfect. But yes...I am missing someone. And it appears they really don't care because that person has walked out of my life. I mean, I said I was walking out first...he just followed through on it before I had the guts to. And it hurt. It still does. So I've been really upset at odd moments today about that too.
You'd think after 6 months of talking to someone you'd want to just offer an apology (especially after it's been asked for) or try to work things out. 6 months of talking...and I'd say that 4.5 of those months were everyday. How do you just turn that off? I can't. Maybe in time I will. But um, yeah. I miss him. I don't miss the hurtful part (which all just stems from uncertainty and my fears and his fears(?) cause I at least figure he's attracted too). I could do without the hurt, the push/pull and the uncertainty. But I miss the good stuff...the core of who he is. It'll get better soon, I'm sure. Well, I hope.
I've got no money. No job. And I've resolved to no longer work for money, but to only do what I think is right. That's crazy. CRAZY! I am sure I won't be able to get unemployment for the week I just had off...but I'm hoping God comes through HUGE somehow.
Got my hair done. It is very high maintenance now and red/brown and short. I warned Drea that that is EXACTLY why I haven't gone to see anyone in 4 years and then chops it all off. Not happy. I can't figure out how to style it either. It is too hard to do by myself.
I'm hoping money comes in soon. I am running out of food for Maguy. My puppy needs to eat.
So this is me, God's daughter, saying: I still have nothing figured out. I still don't know how to live out my dreams. I don't know how to make progress in ANY area of life. I feel sad about my dad tonight and about the man I've cared for for 6 months. Sigh...night.
This morning I had a mountaintop experience with God. We were sailing in the book of Esther and I could see it all.
A few hours later, I was in borderline near panic mode. That's not panic mode. And it's not near panic mode. It's on the border of the near panic. I felt it welling in my chest. When you've been on the mountain and experienced such joy and freedom, I think you realise all the deception and twisting so much more. So I noticed.
A few hours after that I booked worked for Monday. So the pain subsided a little, about work at least.
A few hours more and I realised I did not book myself union, which I SHOULD have. So...I'm making minimum wage...but still those days are hard because you know others are making more and you could be too. Back to the hole in my chest. I am not working for money anymore so I will not complain. I am thankful for the opportunity to be on set. Really, I am.
And that was just the rundown on the job front. I have hit the floor and pounded it with my fists a couple times today as well out of frustration with God and man. How can I really be frustrated with God? He is perfect. But yes...I am missing someone. And it appears they really don't care because that person has walked out of my life. I mean, I said I was walking out first...he just followed through on it before I had the guts to. And it hurt. It still does. So I've been really upset at odd moments today about that too.
You'd think after 6 months of talking to someone you'd want to just offer an apology (especially after it's been asked for) or try to work things out. 6 months of talking...and I'd say that 4.5 of those months were everyday. How do you just turn that off? I can't. Maybe in time I will. But um, yeah. I miss him. I don't miss the hurtful part (which all just stems from uncertainty and my fears and his fears(?) cause I at least figure he's attracted too). I could do without the hurt, the push/pull and the uncertainty. But I miss the good stuff...the core of who he is. It'll get better soon, I'm sure. Well, I hope.
I've got no money. No job. And I've resolved to no longer work for money, but to only do what I think is right. That's crazy. CRAZY! I am sure I won't be able to get unemployment for the week I just had off...but I'm hoping God comes through HUGE somehow.
Got my hair done. It is very high maintenance now and red/brown and short. I warned Drea that that is EXACTLY why I haven't gone to see anyone in 4 years and then chops it all off. Not happy. I can't figure out how to style it either. It is too hard to do by myself.
I'm hoping money comes in soon. I am running out of food for Maguy. My puppy needs to eat.
So this is me, God's daughter, saying: I still have nothing figured out. I still don't know how to live out my dreams. I don't know how to make progress in ANY area of life. I feel sad about my dad tonight and about the man I've cared for for 6 months. Sigh...night.
Friday, February 20, 2009
.015
Quinze.
I've been begging God to allow me breakthrough in ANY area really. I am a highly focused individual. Highly focused and committed. You show me something and I'm clear about it and I'm all in. I go for it. I'm obsessed until it is done.
Not a good thing when it comes to relationships. Not a good thing.
Also, not a good thing when pretty much anything you were made to do or called to do is dependent on breakthrough and there are walls everywhere in my life. So I am kind of just stuck. Really. I feel imprisoned still. Like I just can't get traction to go anywhere. Left, right, up or down? What the heck am I supposed to be doing with my time? I feel like a caged animal who has gone around the room about a gazillion times and has looked and looked for a way out. I've pressed on every brick in the place. I've knocked for hollow places. I've pulled myself up to peer out the window by the bars and can see the outside. I can see what's waiting me. I just can't get there. I don't know how to get out of this cell.
Rent is due in a week again. It's now $1205.10. What am I doing paying that much if I don't have a job and don't have any sort of ministry or purpose in this town? Honestly. Let's be serious here. Moving is not easy. And I'm realising it gets tougher the older you get. You really do settle into your ways and become a bit complacent about there being any hope left at all out there.
It's way beyond just me scampering about trying to look for a way out, trying to get to my purpose. I don't even feel released. I feel like God is just telling me to wait and be still. I am disgusted that I can't keep my focus on him. That I keep thinking about the future promised me. Why can't I be one of those persons who lives for today? That is the motto I've believed in all my life...and I've never really achieved it. I'm always looking ahead. Looking beyond. I want to enjoy God now. I want to be present with him now. I don't want to think about the things he's shown me will be. But I want to start to enjoy the things that are now...even though there isn't much in this cave/cage with me. He's here. I want so desperately...so so badly to just focus on him and that be enough for me. To seriously not compare myself with others and to really honestly be free from the pressure to perform. Where does that come from? From inside myself or without? I am unsure.
Sigh.
I've been begging God to allow me breakthrough in ANY area really. I am a highly focused individual. Highly focused and committed. You show me something and I'm clear about it and I'm all in. I go for it. I'm obsessed until it is done.
Not a good thing when it comes to relationships. Not a good thing.
Also, not a good thing when pretty much anything you were made to do or called to do is dependent on breakthrough and there are walls everywhere in my life. So I am kind of just stuck. Really. I feel imprisoned still. Like I just can't get traction to go anywhere. Left, right, up or down? What the heck am I supposed to be doing with my time? I feel like a caged animal who has gone around the room about a gazillion times and has looked and looked for a way out. I've pressed on every brick in the place. I've knocked for hollow places. I've pulled myself up to peer out the window by the bars and can see the outside. I can see what's waiting me. I just can't get there. I don't know how to get out of this cell.
Rent is due in a week again. It's now $1205.10. What am I doing paying that much if I don't have a job and don't have any sort of ministry or purpose in this town? Honestly. Let's be serious here. Moving is not easy. And I'm realising it gets tougher the older you get. You really do settle into your ways and become a bit complacent about there being any hope left at all out there.
It's way beyond just me scampering about trying to look for a way out, trying to get to my purpose. I don't even feel released. I feel like God is just telling me to wait and be still. I am disgusted that I can't keep my focus on him. That I keep thinking about the future promised me. Why can't I be one of those persons who lives for today? That is the motto I've believed in all my life...and I've never really achieved it. I'm always looking ahead. Looking beyond. I want to enjoy God now. I want to be present with him now. I don't want to think about the things he's shown me will be. But I want to start to enjoy the things that are now...even though there isn't much in this cave/cage with me. He's here. I want so desperately...so so badly to just focus on him and that be enough for me. To seriously not compare myself with others and to really honestly be free from the pressure to perform. Where does that come from? From inside myself or without? I am unsure.
Sigh.
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